Columbus Monthly / December 2010 / December / Home for the holidays: a survival guide

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Home for the holidays: a survival guide

During December, hordes of family members will descend upon homes like medieval marauders. Here are helpful hints for beleaguered hosts.

Ad agency owner Stephen Fechtor has a favorite holiday story, which involves his great-grandmother. During one gathering, she entered the dining room, cheeks flushed from the heat of the stove, and met the eyes of the family sitting around the table. Smiling, she hoisted the heavy platter of roasted turkey for all to admire. And just then, the holiday became truly unforgettable: The bird skittered off the platter and fell to the floor.

Without hesitation, her sister rose from a chair, smiled sweetly and said, “Don’t worry, dear. Let’s just take this back into the kitchen and get the other turkey.”

We should all be so blessed with the skill to turn a potential disaster into a fond memory. The sister’s quick response is a splendid example of how to handle the pressures of December: with good humor and the ability to improvise.

As we all know, this month is about reacting well when the family turkey falls to the floor, so to speak—particularly if you’re hosting the big family get-together. Remember to take a slow, deep breath . . . and consider the following tips to help you survive until the last guest leaves.

The warm-ups

Before the crowds arrive, you’ll be busy with all the other fun stuff December holds. Shopping for deals, browsing online, stringing lights, trimming trees, baking coffeecake, wrapping gifts, mailing packages, partying nonstop while looking fresh, festive and fabulous—all on top of your day job. Meanwhile, the box of holiday cards sits untouched and that batch of double dark truffles you promised still needs to be made. Whose big idea was it to play host this year? Well, it’s too late to back out, so try these guidelines.

Don’t procrastinate. Some embrace this extended season of merriment wholeheartedly: make lists, get things done and stay in the moment. Take, for instance, Kristen Orlando-Ricordati, a producer at WCMH-TV, and her husband, Mike Ricordati, talk show host (aka the Common Man) at Sports Radio 97.1 The Fan.

These two are possibly the world’s most organized twentysomethings. By early December, they’re totally wrapped and ready to go. “This is my favorite time of year—there’s a great buzz in the air,” enthuses Kristen. “But I don’t like being stressed. We shop early so we can enjoy the holiday.”

Take a moment for yourself. If you can carve out the time and cash, roll like Michael Brown and walk into the busy part of the season relaxed and refreshed. Brown, director of development and public affairs at Experience Columbus, often heads to the calm, quiet beaches of South Carolina with his girlfriend before the calendar gets clogged.

Sacks of fresh oysters and a sunset stroll on the beach are the way they fortify themselves for a December filled with wall-to-wall social engagements and at least two long weekends of face time with four generations of relatives from both sides of his family in northwest Ohio.

Simplicity rules the day. Last month’s glossy shelter magazine is laced with sticky notes, marking ideas we simply must incorporate—copious swags of magnolia, Chinese porcelain bowls of forced paperwhites, the French yule log dessert on the gleaming buffet. They make it look so breezy and doable, but neglect to mention the stagers, floral designers and food stylists who have worked for days on end for that one shot.

The wise ones remind us, over and over, to keep it simple. Choose a few rituals that mean the most, honor them and leave the rest alone.

Get ready, get set

Embrace the logistics of family fun time. Establish a few basics before the arrivals begin, such as where everyone’s going to sleep, assuming your people prefer the cozy confinement of your place over the crisp and orderly roominess of the nearest Hilton. If you’re short on space after the guest room and pull-out sofa have been claimed, sleeping bags and air mattresses are a great way to go. Both can be cheaply had—check Dick’s Sporting Goods, Target or online camping suppliers such as Campmor and REI.

Make sure you have enough bed pillows—at least one per guest, better with two. Sacking out with your colorful sofa pillows is not an option, unless you don’t mind drool stains.

If small children will be underfoot, it’s a good idea to childproof the house. Nothing’s worse than saying, “No, no, don’t touch” repeatedly to a toddler. And that goes not only for breakables, but

also dangerous things they might want to taste, such as the cleanser in the bright green bottle. For super-curious types, outlet covers may be required. You’d be amazed what a finger magnet an electrical socket becomes.

Keep that deliciousness coming. Then there’s the food. Now might be a good time to go with the tried-and-true and not that two-day, five-recipes-in-one masterpiece you earmarked in The French Laundry Cookbook by world-famous chef Thomas Keller. He has line cooks and you don’t.

“Start by figuring out the number of meals you’ll need, and the number of people you’re serving,” says Melissa Johnson, director of Cameron Mitchell Catering and accustomed to feeding lots of people at once. “Use your freezer—then you can just pull things out as needed. Homemade bread freezes beautifully—wrap it while it’s still a bit warm and toss it in the freezer. The steam forms little ice crystals that will keep it moist.”

Lunches can be simple and rustic. “Soups, a French cassoulet with white beans and meat, stews, braised short ribs—anything that you can make ahead of time. Add a loaf of peasant bread, maybe a salad, and you’re done,” advises Johnson.

If you can’t remember who hates mushrooms, has life-threatening allergies or just crossed over to vegan territory, by all means ask.

New Albany resident Peggy Rafferty, who entertains her husband Jack’s family en masse during the holidays, with anywhere from 12 to 16 people and extra canine friends in the mix, knows to get the heads-up. “The milk for the coffee is a big deal—skim, 1 percent and whole. And my sister-in-law Pat doesn’t drink alcohol. Every year it’s a different substitute for her pretend cocktail: ginger ale, Crystal Light.”

Ding dong! They’re here

It’s OK to cheat. “Since everyone arrives at different times that evening,” Rafferty continues about her gathering, “I keep lots and lots of hors d’oeuvres coming out.” She’s a whiz at cooking, but employs some shortcuts, too. “I have Papa Murphy’s Take ‘N’ Bake Pizza that I’ve picked up and bake it once everyone gets here.” For the big meal the next day, Rafferty avoids most of the prep work by having the side dishes catered. “Having to serve breakfast and lunch that day, it’s just too much work,” she says.

Another way to lighten the workload: the team approach. “Make it fun and give friends and family a buy-in,” Johnson says. “Draw names from a hat, say, four to a team. And cleanup is included in the assignment.”

Eat your centerpieces. No need to spend lots of money on fancy flowers. We’re trending away from everything being all matched and perfect, according to Johnson. Place some votive candles around to set the mood. And, she adds, “A beautiful bowl of clementines, whole nuts, pears or pomegranates makes a great centerpiece. It’s décor and snack all in one.”

Manage meat mishaps with moxie. It happens more often than you’d think. As in the case of Fechtor’s great-grandmother and the turkey drop, it’s the ta-dum moment gone wrong.

For instance, there’s the hostess who, in front of a large table of friends and family, watched her elegant Lenox platter cleave in half as she carried the holiday ham to the table. The ham thudded to the floor and the pineapple slices splattered on the rug. The room got quiet.

“The ham was extremely hot—just out of the oven—and I was in a hurry. That platter must’ve had a crack in it. . . .” She gathered it, tossed out the pineapple and cut the section off the ham that had made contact with the floor. Forgiving types, everyone ate the ham, which, she says, was actually quite wonderful.

And there’s the case of the turkey unveiling that came a little too soon. “My brother-in-law Jimmy is always in charge of cooking the turkey,” says another seasoned hostess. “Two years ago he burnt it. Then last year we’re at the table carving the turkey and it’s underdone. My daughter blurted, ‘Ew, it’s shiny!’ We ended up eating around all the pink parts, especially where it was close to the bone.” Pass the gravy and buy Jimmy a meat thermometer.

Sometimes you just have to chuck it. During one holiday, an Upper Arlington family’s schnauzer snacked on the HoneyBaked ham while almost everyone was at their traditional Christmas Day movie outing. The ham had been left on the counter by their

15-year-old son, who’d stayed behind.

“When we walked in, there was grease and ham and foil from one end of the kitchen to the other,” says the mom. “The dog was a bit greased, too, with both ends going. My husband stayed up all night with him. Frankly, I was so mad I didn’t care if the dog died.”

Dinner table duels. A little heads-up for close quarters: Siblings, parents and assorted relatives all under one roof, around one table, can be a recipe for emotional fireworks. What’s common in family dynamics is that tendency to revert to childhood roles—the bossy oldest sister, the baby who needs to be waited on hand and foot. Aren’t we all adults here?

Yes and no. “We tend to live out childhood roles as though we never did grow up,” explains Suzanne Bartle-Haring, Ohio State professor and director of the university’s Couple and Family Therapy Clinic. “We define ourselves as that young person again instead of the adult we are now.” If there are unresolved issues and old wounds, they will resurface. Bet on it.

Navigating sore subjects and unsavory topics may require preparation. For the nosy aunt who always asks, without fail, “So are you ever going to get married?” Bartle-Haring suggests rehearsing a calm, thoughtful answer. “Forget a snappy comeback—those never come to you quickly enough.”

Got a blowhard who promptly launches into his political diatribe as the first bite of potatoes au gratin hits your lips? “Someone like that has the most need to be in control of the situation,” Bartle-Haring says. “Redirect the conversation if you can. Or, if you know it may get uncomfortable around the table, serve the meal buffet style and have people sit where they want. That way, if he starts in, you can bow out gracefully and go back for seconds.”

When the relatives are restless. To combat the inevitable mid afternoon visitor’s slump, bring out a board game. Use your most enthusiastic voice and promise that it’s really easy to learn. Greg Larson, owner of Larson’s Toys and Games in Upper Arlington, recommends two new ones: Anomia, a Mensa Select card match game for ages 10 and older, or the Wits & Wagers Family, a simplified version of Wits & Wagers trivia contest. Larson’s all-time top pick? The Settlers of Catan, for middle schoolers and beyond, where the object is to build cities, roads and settlements by trading resources.

If the board game suggestion is met with blank stares, offer a well-chosen stack of movie rentals, preferably void of embarrassing sex scenes and blood-curdling violence. Or rerun a few home movies. The operative word here is “few.” No one, not even your own mother, wants to watch six hours of precious baby Allie toddling away from the camera in diapers.

Or, get ’em moving—nothing warms the heart like a family bundled up, taking a lap around the neighborhood. Everybody benefits from a whiff of chilled winter air. If you have faster-paced members in the group, check out the local road race schedules, especially if they’re still in town for New Year’s Day. OhioHealth’s First on the First is a 5K run/walk in Westerville and shows consideration for the previous night’s revelry with a comfortably late start time of 11 am.

Look up and out. Searching for a family activity with real depth to it, the parents of the Rev. Kai Nilsen, lead pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Gahanna, started a practice that is now a valued tradition.

Nilsen and his wife, Patty, and their four children join his siblings and their families at his parents’ home in Des Moines, Iowa, after Christmas—remember he’s a little busy up until then. And they all make a trip to the local food pantry.

“Instead of just the adults shopping for food and donating it, my mom and dad give $50 to each of the 11 grandchildren,” Nilsen explains. “We all caravan to the grocery store and each child gets to decide how to spend his $50, picking out special things he thinks people will enjoy. Then it’s on to the pantry to make the donation—it takes most of the day.”

He recalls one year when schedules were pressed and they decided not to shop together. “The kids revolted,” he says. “It really did mean a lot to them.”

Rhonda Koulermos is a freelance writer.

How to Be a Good Guest

Whether you’re a best friend or a close family member, when you’re a houseguest, it’s best to discuss a few things before showing up.

Get straight on the details. “Communication is critical,” says Jo Ann Lohne, owner of the Etiquette School of Columbus, “and it solves a lot of issues.” Talk about how long you’re staying—three days is typically the max for friends, she says—and discuss food preferences or allergies, if you have any.

Upon arrival, get a sense of the hosts’ schedule. “Ask about their routine, when they like to turn in and get up in the morning. Otherwise, at 10 am they could still be waiting on you to wake up so they can serve breakfast and get going with an errand,” she says.

Show a little respect. Follow their rules, whether it’s no shoes in the house or no cellphone calls or texting at the table. Keep your area neat, make your bed and, please, no wet towels on the floor, Lohne admonishes. Help with meal preparations, setting the table, cleanup, even grocery store runs.

Be adaptable. In Bowling Green, Kentucky, Julia and Francis “Bubba” Thompson celebrate Christmas in a big way: a decked-out tree, handmade stockings, lots of music. And when Stephen Fechtor married their daughter, Amy, he found negotiating the holiday to be “interesting,” as he puts it.

“I’m a Yankee from Connecticut, a Jewish guy,” he begins. “Amy is southern Methodist, born in Dallas, raised in Bowling Green.”

But he got into it just fine. Fechtor can tear it up on the piano, with gusto or tender emotion as needed. “I happen to love Christmas music,” he says, and his in-laws are thrilled by his list of family favorites: “White Christmas” by Irving Berlin, “Let it Snow” by Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne and “The Christmas Song” by Mel Torme.

“Know what I realized?” Fechtor says. “They’re all written by Jewish guys.”

Say thank you. “It’s best to arrive with a hostess gift that goes away,” advises Lohne, “something they don’t have to display or store. Edibles are great—gourmet chocolates, a celebratory bottle of champagne, a spiral cut ham.”

Once you’ve returned home, she says, “Write a thank you note to the host. It’s so appreciated. E-mails might be quicker, but a handwritten note is much more elegant.”