Columbus Monthly / July 2011 / July / About the nuisance known as my front yard

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About the nuisance known as my front yard

An open letter to the good citizens of Grandview Heights:

You might have wondered why my grass got nearly three feet tall in some places in my front yard this spring.

I have perfectly plausible explanations.

I was donating my land to a wilderness reclamation project, a la Ted Turner, hoping someday soon to see bear, antelope, elk and the occasional jaguar. Or, being more civic-minded, perhaps a wild bobcat—the mascot of the beloved Grandview Heights High School.

In lieu of believing that, folks, I do have other tall tales to match my tall rain-forest grass.

Except they’re true tall tales.

I had every intention of cutting my grass before the last week of May. That I didn’t is because of several acts of God and (insert name of local TV weatherman here).

1. As you know, it rained a lot this spring.

2. My yard is at, oh, let’s make this really dramatic, a 75-degree angle and it’s easy to slip while mowing. You wouldn’t want me to risk falling under the mower, losing limbs, digits, eyebrows and who knows what other precious body part, right? I must have at least two consecutive dry days for adequate footing. (See No. 1.)

3. I have a complicated/moody/temperamental Lawn-Boy mower, which is very self-propelled. It requires an absolutely precise mixture of Lawn-Boy fuel additive to the gasoline or it’s pull, pull, pull that damn lanyard to start it. It was brutal futility in finding any of the stuff around town. I tried Brand X additive early in May and got nowhere. Besides, it just kept raining.

4. A few weeks later, when I finally found a place to sell me a few fluid ounces of the additive, more rain fell. The grass at this point was hilariously high. Everybody else’s was cut but mine. Guess who felt like a jerk?

5. OK, so you may be wondering why I couldn’t have cut mine like every other neighbor. I’ve been working nearly round the clock. For real. How else was I going to pay off that purchase of the additive?

Now, here’s where I really need you to have some faith in me. Everything was in perfect alignment. I had the additive. It hadn’t rained for a couple of days. I had some free time. So on this particular day I was coming home with every intention of doing the right thing. Then I found a note from the City of Grandview Heights Grass Height Violation Division (or, that’s what I call it) on my front doorknob, looking like a “Do not disturb” sign. Basically, it said, nicely: Cut your grass, man.

I was going to, honest!

And I did. It was the tallest grass I’ve ever mowed. Ridiculously, scandalously tall. Even as a teenager cutting four lawns a week, I never encountered grass anywhere that high.

Hmm. There was a moral in those weeds somewhere . . . if only I could have found it.