Columbus Monthly / May 2011 / Flirting 101

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Flirting 101

Flirting 101

Native to the forests of New Guinea, the superb bird of paradise has a unique ritual when wooing a potential mate. The black-plumaged flier puffs out its chest and folds out a capelike shield that looks strangely like a smiley face. He then dances around the female while displaying his quirky façade and rapidly snapping his tail against the ground.

It’s a routine that, were it that simple for all species, would make for entertaining nights out—filled with guys rhythmically flapping around stiletto-adorned ladies while doing jumping jacks and showing off their smiley face tattoos. Unfortunately, for both men and women, it (usually) isn’t that easy—or hilarious. We’ve got to improvise. For a little guidance, we enlisted a pair of dating specialists who offer their tips for breaking the ice on a night out.

LADIES, LEARN HOW TO GIVE GOOD SIGNALS

Make eye contact and smile. “It’s basically saying to the guy, ‘If you come over to me, I am not going to shoot you down,’ ” says Elizabeth Cobey-Piper, matchmaker at Dublin-based Dating Directions. Cobey-Piper teaches her female clients the importance of giving the “green light” to men.

PAY ATTENTION

Don’t engross yourself in your friends’ conversations. Be aware of the people around you. Cobey-Piper advises female clients to avoid traveling in herds. One friend is enough, she says. It’s unfair to expect a guy to walk over to a group of women and interrupt a conversation to get your attention.

JUST DO IT

Cobey-Piper says one of the biggest mistakes guys make is worrying about coming up with a great icebreaker or witty pickup line. “You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to do it,” she says. “The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it.”

BE PERSONABLE, NOT PERSONAL

Never ask personal questions when breaking the ice, says Pamela Lanier, owner of It’s Just Lunch Columbus. “You want everything to be light and airy.”

LET THE CONVERSATION FLOW

Don’t try to force it. Topics to consider, according to both experts, include weather, sports, movies and TV. “Find out what the person does for a living or any interesting trips they’ve been on,” Lanier says.

BUILD INTRIGUE

“Don’t give up too much of who you are in the beginning,” Lanier says. “Mystery is so good.”

LISTEN

Don’t try to sell yourself. “In reality, the person who walks away with the most information has the best idea about any future relationship,” Lanier says. “Everyone wants to talk about themselves. Few people want to listen.”

PRACTICE

It takes more than confidence to strike up conversations with random strangers. It’s a skill that, like all others, requires persistence. Cobey-Piper recommends practicing being friendly with cashiers, waitstaff and people in line at the grocery store.

Bad dates

We asked our Facebook and Twitter followers to share their dating stories from hell. Curiously, not a single guy responded to our request. So, fellas, heed well the despair of these forlorn ladies (whose names have been changed). A good tip to live by: If you think you might be misreading a signal, you're probably right. Here are a few of the (lightly edited) responses:

Kristina writes:

At the time, I’d been divorced for about four years and had not been on a single date. I was out at a pub with several girlfriends and a gentleman started sending me over drinks—OK, Jell-O shots—and that should have been my first warning. Due to peer pressure, I went over to talk with this man and ended up giving him my number.

We spoke on the phone several times afterward and eventually decided to meet again at a bar to watch a football game. We got beers and started chatting. He seemed OK, but I really wasn’t into him. All of a sudden he starts to seem agitated and uncomfortable and announces, “I can’t do this anymore! There is something I have to tell you.”

He tells me that he is not the one who was interested in me—it was his wife who had picked me out. They’d wanted to have a threesome. Great luck for a first date out after divorce, huh?

Ginger writes:

I can’t say I’d ever really had a bad date . . . until I actually decided to pay for one of the infamous online dating sites.

The guy sat down at the table across from me and within two minutes reached over and rubbed the base of my left ring finger, “sizing it up.” Fast-forward through the conversation where we disagreed on everything. He walks me to my car, I said goodnight and gave him a hug. I wasn’t even five minutes down the road when I received a phone call. I answered it thinking maybe I’d left something behind. He started critiquing me on how I’d ended the date: I didn’t walk out closely enough to him and didn’t kiss him goodnight.

Jessica writes:

While in college (and under 21), I was set up on a blind date. When he got to my place, I discovered he stood just above my elbow in height. We got into his car and I mentioned that I drove a stick shift. He condescendingly replied, “If I was $1,000 poorer, I’d have gotten a stick shift myself.” He drove his convertible with the top down despite it being way too cold and while blasting “Mambo No. 5” on repeat.

We got to dinner and there was a wait, so he went to the bar and attempted to order an alcoholic drink despite being under 21. They carded him and he said never mind. When we got to our table and the server took our drink order, he again attempted to order an alcoholic drink and again was carded. All throughout dinner, I got to hear multiple stories about him that included phrases such as, “I won’t be going back to that restaurant. Their caviar was just not up to par.” (Seriously, dude? We’re eating at a Spaghetti Warehouse right now.)

After dinner, we went to an all-ages nightclub (again, with “Mambo No. 5” blasting on repeat the whole way there), where, for a third time, he tried to order an alcoholic drink. I finally had enough and asked that he take me home. As I was getting out of the car, he asked if we could hang out in the hot tub for a while. Yeah, no thanks.

Oh, and did I mention he wore an Indiana Jones hat the entire time?

Chelsea writes:

I met a man on Match.com and we e-mailed and talked on the phone a few times. After a week, we decided to meet at an upscale pub for drinks. We met out front and he seemed nice, although his Match photo was at least five years younger than him. After we were seated and ordered drinks, the cellphone calls started. He answered each one—at least 12 in an hour. Even one from his mother, in which he told her he was grabbing a bite to eat alone before heading home. And as if the calls weren’t bad enough, he went to the bathroom four times. After about 30 minutes of this, a man at the next table leaned over and told me I could do better than “that guy.” I sat there politely (I didn’t know what else to do) and then excused myself to go to the bathroom (just once!). When I returned, he had eaten the entire appetizer! Then he starts firing questions at me. He tells me I’m beautiful and says he would like to see me again. I sat there in disbelief! Later, as we’re walking out, he grabs me suddenly, swings me around and plants a kiss on me. Again, in disbelief I swung back around and walked away.

Another guy I was having dinner with (first date) started running his hand up my leg, under my skirt within 10 minutes of being seated. I walked out immediately! And a guy who I had one pleasant date with called to schedule another date, but kept asking, “Are you ready?” I asked, “Ready for what?” He said, “For sex!”