A couple of weeks ago this column confronted Mayor Ginther’s unopposed bid for reelection with a satirical platform designed to point out several longstanding issues in the city. I composed it because no one should run unopposed in a city with the number and range of issues Columbus has to resolve, even if that opposition is absurd.

This week’s column is the slightly edited text of a concession speech I gave in an online video as the results rolled in on Tuesday night.

Thank you all for coming out today at the end of a long election day and casting your write-in votes for me as mayor of Columbus.

Some of you put in a lot of work since I wrote a satirical column fake-announcing my non-campaign a mere two and a half weeks ago. I saw many of you making memes and posting things. And it was my pleasure to engage my constituents, be they voters or not, on the issues I presented in that Columbus Alive column. Heady political fare, such as firing the entire school board and starting over from scratch, segregating the Short North from the rest of the city, requiring doctor notes for City Council members who skip out of meetings once the public starts talking, and an embargo on the planting of any more Mikey’s Late Night Slice pizza joints within a mile of downtown. (I like the pizza just fine, especially when I’m senseless, but come on, son. That’s a lot of the same pizza in the same 2-mile radius.)

Continue reading on columbusalive.com.