The List: Things we’d rather endure than watch Kyle Rittenhouse cry

We’ve also heard enough from Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance on this one

Andy Downing
Columbus Alive
Not Timbiebs Timbits

On Wednesday our social media feeds were filled with videos and images of Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand during his homicide trial in Wisconsin. 

Rittenhouse, who shot and killed two demonstrators at a 2020 racial justice protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin, was testifying in his defense when he broke down in animated sobs, a scene that quickly went viral on social media because apparently there’s nothing that sparks a lively public response quite like the over-the-top tears of testifying white dudes. (Weirdly enough, Rittenhouse wasn’t crying in January when he turned up at a pub in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, wearing a “free as [expletive]” T-shirt and posing for photos while making a hand gesture embraced by and associated with white supremacist groups.)

Predictably, Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance was among those who expressed sympathies for the defendant, embracing the moment as an opportunity to stan for Rittenhouse with an exhausting series of tweets that could have easily been expressed in just 14 words. This included one post in which Vance praised the 18-year-old, who shot and killed two people on the street, for “doing something” to defend “his community” from “lawless thug rioters,” ignoring the fact that Rittenhouse traveled to Kenosha from his actual community of Antioch, Illinois, which is 30 miles away and (confers with an atlas) in an entirely different state.

The only thing funny about Vance desperately lurching so far right to appeal to extremists is that he’s still likely to get trounced in the Republican primary by Josh Mandel, a sentient “There Are Only Two Genders” bumper sticker who has run a more nimble campaign and even scored a blow to the billionaire-funded Vance with an objectively funny post mocking Vance’s $10,800-per-seat fundraising dinner with Peter Thiel.

Anyway, it's been less than 24 hours and we’re already so, so tired of seeing those images of Rittenhouse circulating online. “How tired?” asked no one. Tired enough that we’d rather endure any of the following:

Bring back the “coldest beer in Columbus” feature

In a previous life, Alive would send staffers out, thermometers in hand, on a city-wide quest to locate and document the spots that served up the coldest beers, an honor that could easily fall to a bar with a poorly calibrated refrigeration system. In retrospect, it’s hard to believe that (1) there was a thirst for this kind of feature, and (2) there was funding to maintain a full staff. We miss at least one of these things.

Make Daylight Savings Time a monthly occurrence

Since rolling back Daylight Savings Time on Saturday, we’ve been up every day at 5:30 a.m. with our youngest child, and I’m willing to throw our family’s sleep schedule into a constant state of chaos.

Take an I-270 joyride in a light rain

Even a slight spring drizzle can turn the Columbus highway system into a parking lot, but we’ll happily sit bumper-to-bumper in a parade-slow joyride.

Debate whether or not Columbus is on the map

It’s the conversation that, much like the vampires on “What We Do in the Shadows” (arguably the best show on TV), never ages.

Get stabbed in the eye by Marc Ribot

The legendary guitarist, who visits the Wexner Center for a concert on Sunday, Nov. 14, offered up one of our favorite quotes of the year in an interview published earlier this week:

“I imagine some people answer the question of how they spent the time [in isolation] by saying, ‘Oh, it was actually great. With all of my time alone I got to finish my symphony, and I wrote three novels, and I practiced all day and now I’m a better guitarist than I ever was,’ and I decided pretty early on in this thing that when I met people like that I was going to stab them instantly in the eye, and I suggest everybody else do the same,”

Walk a lawnmower through the Westgate neighborhood at dusk

*Cues “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell*

Write up your corporate press release

Oh, wow, Justin Bieber and Tim Horton are teaming up to bring consumers something called Timbiebs Timbits. PLEASE TELL US MORE.

Listen to a voicemail

No need to send a text message like a normal adult human. I’ll grit my teeth and listen to your voice message.

Move to a new content management system every year

You might have noticed that most of the Alive archives are currently unavailable. (“OH SNAP! Looks like something went wrong.") This is the result of an ongoing move to a new content management system, which is expected to finalize by the end of November. Of this year. We hope.

Listen to more discussion about how nobody wants to work anymore

Have we heard the real reasons why employees don’t want to work from business owners and/or politicians yet?

Read the comments

Yes, even on this one.

Correction: An earlier version of the List stated that Rittenhouse "traveled to Kenosha with a gun." Rittenhouse actually procured the gun from the house of a friend in Kenosha.