The List: Corporate mascots that could still arouse Tucker Carlson

With the Fox News talking head so thoroughly disgusted by a sexless green M&M, we consider other options that might draw his eye

Andy Downing
Columbus Alive
Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are made from Durafoam and can be used on just about any surface.

Last week, Fox News talking head Tucker Carlson engaged in one of the more bizarre commentaries we’ve seen, going in on the Mars company, and more specifically M&Ms, for redesigning the brand’s spokescandies to reflect “a more dynamic, progressive world.” Or, as Carlson put it in a segment that obliterated the line between reality and parody, “M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous.”

The segment also included a series of equally ridiculous chyrons, such as, “Candy in sexy shoes is highly offensive,” and the instant-classic, “Miserable, non-binary candy is all we deserve.”

Now, moving past just how minimally the character designs have changed (the biggest shift appears to be the green M&M swapping in sneakers for boots that could be termed thigh-highs if cartoon mascots even had thighs to begin with), Tucker’s biggest complaint seems to be that the anthropomorphic candies no longer get him hot and bothered, which generates a whole other slate of questions.

But fear not, Carlson. Plenty of other advertisers still use sex to sell. Here are a handful of corporate mascots ready to step into the green M&M's discarded boots for you.

The Jolly Green Giant

Finish those veggies and grab a seat on his beanstalk. (Next to him; get your mind out of the gutter.)

Tony the Tiger

Long a favorite of the furry community, even if he doesn’t appreciate the attention.

Erin Esurance

We’re still not sure why the Esurance cartoon dresses like a cat burglar (what insurance provider wants to be linked with theft?) but Carlson don't mind.

Miss Chiquita Banana

We think Carlson might find her a-peeling. (We’ll see ourselves out, thank you very much.)

The Brawny Man

He’s been redesigned a couple of times in the last four decades, losing his axe and mustache but never his shirt, except in Carlson’s fever dreams.

Captain Morgan

*Points to brain* The Captain was here. Still is, tbh.

The Chicken of the Sea mermaid

On the off-chance Carlson could never quite shake “The Little Mermaid.”

Chester the Cheetah

You can’t trust him, but you also can’t resist him.

Mr. Clean

*Sweaty, nervously tugging on collar* Oh, hey there.