The List: Other things Ohio promised to Intel

In addition to more than $2 billion in incentives, there are some lesser-known aspects of the deal that had escaped public notice… until now

Alive staff
A live, televised announcement discussed how Intel will invest $20 billion building two computer chip factories in Jersey Township, in Licking County, at the Midland Theatre in Newark, Ohio, on Jan. 21, 2022.

Last week, details about the deal Ohio struck with Intel were made public, with the state granting the company more than $2 billion in incentives, according to the Dispatch, a price tag that ranks as the largest economic incentive package in Ohio history. The incentives include $691 million in infrastructure spending, an estimated $650 million in job creation tax credits and $600 million in direct cash. This in addition to New Albany granting the company a 30-year, 100 percent property tax abatement. 

But that’s not all Intel will receive. We combed the fine print in the deal to uncover promises that up until now had avoided scrutiny. Here’s some of what we found.

Automatic no-punch-backs on any punch buggies

That’s right. Intel doesn’t even have to say “no punch backs” after spotting a Beetle and giving you a dead arm. It’s just implied.

DeWine’s Netflix login credentials

The governor only uses it to watch old episodes of “MacGyver,” anyway.

The mask-burning services of Dave Yost

Each month, the Ohio Attorney General will make a visit to the Intel campus, at which time he will incinerate all used facemasks. The state will even provide the matches, since there's no telling how many Yost will need.

A full apple rebrand (yes, the fruit)

At Ohio orchards, grocery stores and produce stands, apples will now be known as PCs (and honeycrisp PCs are still the gold standard).

Concrete field of microchips

Eat your heart out, field of corn.

Free salads for life at Luigi’s in Akron

Yes, it’s basically just iceberg lettuce and mozzarella, and yes, the proportions are disgustingly off, but that’s actually what makes it good.

The ability to tousle Husted’s hair any time, penalty free, no questions asked

And he just has to stand there and take it.

Continued Saturday delivery of the print edition of the Dispatch

The paper of record will remain a seven-day-a-week production, but only for Intel.

Rights to the state song

Previously “Beautiful Ohio,” the state song is now just the five notes of the Intel jingle played in a loop.

Candy

But, like, really good candy.

20-year abatement on listening to Fran DeWine’s recipes

Once she starts describing a dish, Intel can leave the room. But only for 20 years.

A new Wrens album

Not a solo album by a Wrens band member. A full-band Wrens album.

The exiled Columbus statue at the Statehouse will be replaced with one of the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” guy

And during construction someone with experience standing in for the Columbus statue will fill the void rain, snow or shine: Republican senatorial candidate Josh Mandel.