The List: Arnold-inspired Fantasy Slap Fighting Championship power rankings

This weekend at the Arnold Sports Festival, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Logan Paul will co-host the Slap Fighting Championship. Here’s how we’d rank potential competitors in a fantasy tournament.

Andy Downing
Columbus Alive
"The Naked Gun"

The Arnold Sports Festival returns to Columbus this weekend, drawing more than 20,000 athletes from 40-plus countries who are set to square off in events ranging from bodybuilding to… slap fighting. Yes, slap fighting.

On Saturday, March 5, Arnold Schwarzenegger and social media personality turned boxer Logan Paul will co-host the Slap Fighting Championship between super heavyweight Dawid “Zales” Zalewski and 370-pound former football player Koa “Da Crazy Hawaiian” Viernes, with the event set to kick off at 2 p.m. on the Arnold Expo Stage at the Columbus Convention Center.

For those unfamiliar with the sport (and tbh we’re using that term somewhat loosely here), it is exactly what you might expect from the name: Competitors stand face-to-face and take turns slapping the ever-loving hell out of one another until someone folds. It’s as simple as that.

In advance of the competition, here’s how we’d rank potential competitors from least to most fierce, not that we’d want to be on the receiving end of any of these hits.

Daniel Plainview

Plainview, as portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood,” is a barely contained geyser of rage, as Eli experiences when Plainview uncorks a series of slaps that leaves the preacher sprawling in the mud.

Cher

In “Moonstruck,” Cher slaps Nicolas Cage so hard (“Snap out of it!”) that he chose to star in a sequel to “National Treasure” two decades later.

Rick James (as told by Charlie Murphy on "Chappelle's Show")

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Jane Spencer Drebin

“The Naked Gun” heroine has something that none of these other competitors does, as you can see in the video below.

Bernie Mac in “Head of State”

The late Bernie Mac delivers one of the most devastating movie slaps of all time in this 2003 comedy, barely breaking stride as he walks through a crowded train station delivering blow after blow.

Johnny Knoxville in “Jackass 3D”

The High Five stunt from the 2010 film is simple in its setup (Knoxville uncorks an oversized hand, which “slaps” the unsuspecting victim into another realm) but delivers big laughs, particularly when he annihilates a sleepy Bam Margera, who is struck with such force that it lifts his feet completely off of the ground.

Ren (of “Ren & Stimpy”)

I mean, just look at the aftermath.

"Ren & Stimpy"

Dave Grohl in the Foo Fighters video for “Everlong”

Thanks, but no thanks.

Foo Fighters "Everlong" video