The List: Predictions for 2015

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Welcome to the New Year, folks. It could be a good one, or just another 365 days of pure hell. Either way, Alive has some predictions for the upcoming year. Some seem obvious, but others may shock you a bit. Oh, who are we kidding, this was just an excuse to make wild accusations without any reason behind them.

The world will end

Or at least that’s how Buckeye fans will feel when Ohio State doesn’t win the national championship. On the bright side, have you seen the recruiting class for 2015, dude? It’s awesome.

Columbus will have an equal 1:1 ratio of restaurants to people

We only need like 22 more restaurants.

Another celebrity hack of nude photos will happen

This time a massive amount of d--- pics from Hollywood’s most renowned stars will hit the internet. No one will care (mainly because Jon Hamm wasn’t one of those hacked).

More vegan bicycles

It’s so obvious.

Marijuana becomes legal for recreational use in a record number of states

Ohio won’t be one of them. Utah will be, as the stoner-Mormon constituent is surprisingly strong.

Gwyneth Paltrow annoys everyone

It’s happened every other year of her existence.

“Serial” won’t be crime-oriented

The second season of the hit podcast from “This American Life” producer Sarah Koenig, will actually examine an unsolved mystery that doesn’t involve murder, or any other crime. Koenig will take us through weeks of investigation into who pooped in Ira Glass’s closet the night he held that epic rager in 2001. [Spoiler Alert] It was Ira.

We finally get hover boards

No one cares because they’re all about their vegan bicycle.

Political debates become a massive importance to our culture

Politicians will now discuss issues by merely throwing shade on social media — and everyone will have something to say about it.

Filet mignon is the new bacon

Filet-wrapped bacon-wrapped filets are everywhere!

Ryan Reynolds will have a McConnaissaince

It’s either Reynolds or Courtney Love. Called it.

Michael Bay makes a divisive “He-Man” movie

Only not for the reasons you’d typically expect. He takes a deep dive into the titular character’s repressed homosexuality — and Channing Tatum gives the performance of a lifetime. Unfortunately nearly half of the three-hour movie is taken up by objectifying Megan Fox in a She-Ra costume.

Farm-to-table cocktails are going to be huuuuuuuge

It’s the most sophisticated and conscious way to get f---ed up.

This will be the first, last and only The List written by Jesse Tigges in 2015

Do you think they’ll give me another crack at this? I don’t.