The List: 11 outrageous predictions for OSU football

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

This year’s Ohio State football season was all kinds of cray. But we don’t have to tell you that, right? You live here. You lived it. Will next year be even crazier? Who’s to say! Well, us, actually. Here are 11 stupidly outrageous predictions for next season.

OSU wallops Michigan, Coach Jim Harbaugh is fired

OK, maybe that’s not so stupidly outrageous.

Zeke gets suspended for eating confetti

Running-back Ezekiel Elliott’s attempts to eat the cascading celebratory confetti like they were snowflakes during the national championship post-game were funny and endearing, but, turns out, confetti’s on the NCAA’s banned-substances list. He’s out for the year.

OSU fandom reaches 100-percent capacity

Not satisfied with having only most of Columbus root for the home team, OSU sprays the city with an Agent Orange-type herbicide that secretly turns everyone who breathes it into a Buckeye fanatic. So now you can, quite literally, live and breathe OSU. Score!

Lebron joins theteam as a tight end

Let’s face it, the Cavs stink. After failing to make the NBA playoffs this year, Lebron jumps ship to live out his dream of playing football (a la Jordan and baseball).

Columbus adds “The” to its name

Swept up in Buckeye euphoria, Mayor Coleman renames the capital city. So now, when people ask you which Columbus you’re from, you can leave out “Ohio” and pompously say, “The Columbus.”

Braxton Miller transfers to … Michigan

I’m sorry, Braxton who?

Mark May comes out as a Buckeye-lover

Like most people with seething rage blindly aimed at a particular group, May was, all along, simply a Buckeye-at-heart who was filled with self-loathing.

All three OSU QBs win the Heisman

Not gonna lie. I stole this prediction from Club Trillion’s Mark Titus. I’m gonna keep it though because, as Young Thug says, if I like it, I cop it.

Darron Lee unmasks himself as Spider-Man

He’s not naturally a freak athlete. He was just bitten by a radioactive spider one time at a science exhibit.

Tattoo-gate returns

Meyer fulfills his promise to the team of getting a tat in the wake of a championship, but, unfortunately, he contracts Hep C and subsequently re-retires for health issues.

Ohio State’s promoted to the NFL, Cleveland Browns demoted to the NCAA

Taking a cue from the world’s game, America’s football decides to enact promotion/relegation after Ohio State wins yet another title and Cleveland continues to be, well, Cleveland.