The List: Candidates who would be better suited to the Supreme Court than Brett Kavanaugh

Andy Downing
Photo by Saul Loeb/AP

The confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court might still be inevitable — Republicans were pushing to vote by week's end, the moment the FBI wraps a limited, weeklong investigation sparked by multiple accusations of high school- and college-era sexual assault, including those brought by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who testified in front of the Senate in late September about an alleged attack at a high school gathering in the summer of 1982 — but maybe it shouldn't be? Here are the names of a few candidates this writer thinks would be better fits for the bench.

Judge Dredd

While the fictional comic book character is quick to respond with violence, to our knowledge he has never allegedly kicked off a brawl by mistaking another bar patron for the lead singer of UB40, which makes him more uniquely qualified for the Supreme Court than Kavanaugh.

Liz Donnelly

The “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” judge has never cagily testified under oath about the difference between passing out drunk and falling asleep drunk, so let's give her the nod.

Judge Smails

The “Caddyshack” judge might be a small, greedy man, but he never gave misleading answers under oath, insisting that others Dr. Blasey named as attending a high school gathering had “said it didn't happen,” when in actuality two have only said they don't recall, while another told a reporter she believes Dr. Blasey Ford.

Judge Harry Stone

The “Night Court” judge loved jazz singer Mel Torme and never snapped at a senator when being pressed on if he'd ever blacked out from drinking.“I don't know, have you?!”

Judge Arthur Vandelay

For years on “Seinfeld,” George Costanza adopted the fake name Art Vandelay, who then turned up as an actual person on the series finale. To my knowledge, though, Vandelay never trotted out a three-decades-old calendar as definitive proof that he never attended a high school gathering where underage drinking and an assault allegedly took place.

Judge Constance Harm

“The Simpsons” judge could be severe, but unlike Kavanaugh she never tried to attribute a yearbook reference labeling her the “Beach Week Ralph Club — Biggest Contributor” to a weak stomach and/or spicy food.

Judge Haller

Haller might have been thrown off by the East Coast accents in “My Cousin Vinny,” but he never tried to claim that a yearbook reference to the “Devil's Triangle” — a threesome between two men and a woman — was actually the name of a popular drinking game. (It's not.)

Mike Judge

The “Beavis & Butthead” creator has a sense of humor, but never claimed that multiple mentions of him and his friends being “Renate alumni” — a reference to a woman at a nearby school — weren't sexual boasts but rather an expression of admiration and “that she was one of us.” (The woman in question has since said she was unaware of the yearbook references and doesn't view them as positive.)

Merrick Garland

This one should go without saying, but all the Republicans howling about political incivility and Democratic malfeasance should take a close look in the mirror.

Literally any other candidate

Here's the thing. Republicans could easily withdraw Kavanaugh and place virtually any other conservative candidate on the bench — likely with the support of at least some Democrats — and this person would pass judgment in an almost identical manner to this beer-loving, tear-streaked, outburst-prone Yale grad (have you heard Kavanaugh went to Yale?). That they have so far chosen not to speaks volumes.