The List: Predicting the next corporate mascot to die

Andy Downing

The death of basketball star Kobe Bryant has obviously generated a range of headlines, but none quite as surreal as ones like this Business Insider piece, which proclaimed, “Planters is halting its ads featuring the death of Mr. Peanut after Kobe Bryant’s fatal helicopter crash.”

What a time to be alive, eh?

For those who aren’t aware, Planters recently aired a bizarre ad that ends with Mr. Peanut dying in a fiery explosion. Or at least that’s the way it appears (the commercial closes with an in memoriam photograph complete with corporate mascot’s birth and death dates). A follow-up commercial set at the peanut’s funeral is scheduled to air during the Super Bowl on Sunday, Feb. 2. Like many, we’re predicting the monocled legume will at that time be discovered alive and well.

Considering the viral impact of the campaign, which has generated millions of video views for the company along with countless news headlines (another favorite, this one via CNN, “Mr. Peanut is dead for some reason”), we’re certain this won’t be the last time a corporation kills off its own creation in the name of clicks.

With that in mind, here’s our crack at predicting the next mascot to greet the Grim Reaper, along with the possible cause of death.

Alive's mascot, Alivey, is alive and well and currently working as the night manager at a suburban Denny's following the wave of layoffs that hit the company in 2015. Sign up for our daily newsletter

The Energizer Bunny

Cause of death: An automobile crash where the car stops on impact but our drum-toting bunny keeps going and going and…

The Pillsbury Doughboy

Cause of death: The lovable lad chokes on a cinnamon roll and myriad attempts at the Heimlich maneuver don’t elicit so much as a “tee hee.”

The Geico Gecko

Cause of death: A routine checkup leads the Gecko to be diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. Following a long bureaucratic struggle, the lizard’s insurance claim is eventually denied, and he dies penniless and alone at the age of 20.

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Cause of death: Like Mr. Glass, the Rice Krispie trio suffers from brittle bone disease, and the constant snap, crackle and pop of their fragile gnome bones eventually leads the three to an early grave.

The Jolly Green Giant

Cause of death: Killed by the children of a nearby village who grew tired of confusing his “ho ho ho” for that of Santa Clause. (His constant presence as a broccoli pusher didn’t help the situation, either.)

Tony the Tiger

Cause of death: A notorious favorite of the furry community, Kellogg’s striped cheerleader will succumb to autoerotic asphyxiation while reliving past trysts. “He was grrr-eat,” one funeral mourner sobs.

Mr. Clean

Cause of death: As if to prove the truism that you can’t judge a book by its cover, the seemingly polished gent gives out to a slurry of untreated sexually transmitted diseases.

Chester Cheetah

Cause of death: Detectives are expected to release more information once the graphic murder scene has been processed and all relevant immediate family members have been informed.

Mickey Mouse

Cause of death: Cancer