The Other Columbus: Which pandemic impulse purchase are you?

Scott Woods
A bread machine

Stylized face masks

Look at you, all considerate and what not. You care about the people around you and you believe in science over comfort. You are a true patriot, friend.

Bread maker

What could be more homey and stabilizing than a fresh baked loaf of bread? We both know you’re going to let it spoil before you eat it all, but that’s OK because it’s all about the joy to be found in the process. (Plus, it’s not like it was six months ago, when people were snagging bread like they were in Soviet Union food lines). You are truly the breadwinner of the household, no matter what you make.

Going Out clothes

You know you ain’t going nowhere, but Club Zoom is always open! You want to look good no matter what, and the living room is your runway. You cannot be denied. You are fire. You are Netflix and chill. You are pumpkin spice in season, you fruity smelling condiment you.

Too small clothes

You checked the size chart on the website after opening the package, but there’s no getting around it: The outfit you ordered doesn’t fit. In the words of drug kingpin Marlo Stanfield from "The Wire," “You want it to be one way, but it’s the other way.” You had hopes and dreams but they’ve largely come up short… just like the cuffs of those flood pants.

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Starlight projector

When the planet seems on fire, the desire to escape is natural. You are loaded with infinite possibilities, so long as you have batteries, and you brighten every room you enter.

Cat litter mat

You sometimes wish you had the regal distance of a cat, nose in air, offering love only when it suits you, leaving the world in their feelings. As it stands, you’re really into stewardship, offering yourself in service to others even though you know they’ll thanklessly dump on you.

Art prints

You’re bringing people the joy of art without the baggage of having to be original, which is not to say you can’t be everything someone needs in a brushed-over, matted picture of Michael Jordan dunking. So long as no one gets too close, there’s no reason why you can’t continue to deliver the pleasure actual art is known for.

Weighted blanket

You give the best hugs, and that was true before the quarantine. If you could get paid to cuddle you’d be rich. You are the epitome of warmth, and you only need to be washed once a week because your funk is mildly intoxicating.

Food delivery service

The sheer decadence of you, spending all that money on convenience because drive-throughs are so February, is stunning. You make people wait for you, which is so rude, but so right, as we would starve without you. Well, starve is strong. We could just cook. But then, we would miss out on those moments when you make us feel like absolute ballers.

The Purchase That Hasn’t Arrived In Months

You are filled with mystery, wandering, trying to find your way home. You’re not lost, so much as taking your time to build up anticipation. And when you finally get to where you’re going? The joy that comes from opening up is immeasurable.