The List: Imagining a worse corporate rebrand than the Columbus Crew

Any of these business reboots could ease the public heat currently being directed at Columbus SC, formerly the Columbus Crew

Andy Downing
Columbus Alive
Victoria's Secret would be unwise to reboot as Les Wexner's Secret

You might have heard that the Columbus Crew is adopting a new name, Columbus SC, along with a new crest.

You also might have noticed that the news has generally been met by fans of the team with some combination of anger, distrust and overall displeasure, to the point that supporter group the Nordecke made a post on Twitter reminding folks that it’s not cool to harass or threaten team employees over the change, which seems like an obvious statement until you realize it’s the year 2021 in the country of the United States of America.

Even national media has gotten in on the dump-on, with Brian Strauss of Sports Illustrated writing of the new look:

Since changing names and logos is all the rage these days, let’s agree to tweak the meaning of the three stars in Major League Soccer’s newish crest. Instead of “club, country and community,” they’ll now symbolize the principles that underpin the league’s branding, its structure and the message it sends to dedicated fans. They now stand for “conformity, cloning and cowardice.”

Ouch. Also, not wrong!

So while fans continue to lobby the team to ditch the new name and crest (and if you think that's an impossibility, here's a story you should probably revisit), we thought we’d take a few moments out to try and imagine a worse corporate rebrand. 

Victoria’s Secret relaunches as Les Wexner’s Secret

How did Jeffrey Epstein remain in the Wexner’s employ for so long? What is the full nature of the relationship between the two? These are the kinds of questions the public will continue to ask if the company moves forward with this ill-advised reboot.

The Columbus Zoo and Aquarium relaunches as The Columbus Zoo and Aquarium and Family Use of Zoo Resources

OK, so this one is a little wordy, and it seems a little unnecessary to draw the public’s attention back to a recent controversy where zoo-owned homes were rented to family members of executives, but here we are.

Columbus Alive becomes Columbus Alive Killed the Other Paper

I never even lived in Columbus when The Other Paper existed, but I still regularly hear comments about it, usually in the form of “you’ll never be as good as The Other Paper,” which, fair. Considering this, I’m not sure what the hell we were thinking in considering a relaunch that does nothing but drag this years-old drama back to the fore. I'm certain this never would have happened if we still had a marketing department.

Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams becomes Jeni’s Listeria-Free Ice Creams

Jeni, no! Even in declaring that your product is listeria-free, you’re only reminding the public of the brief time more than five years ago that some of it wasn’t. Maybe consider kicking this one back to the drawing board.

The Columbus Division of Police Helicopter Unit launches as CPD Skywriters

Want to send a message to that special someone? Under this rebrand, CPD helicopters can be contracted to spell out airborne messages to friends, family members or, heck, even enemies, if you’re one of those types more motivated by spite. Note: Messages cannot be spelled out in the airspace above wealthy neighborhoods.

The Short North Food Hall reopens as No Excessively Baggy Clothes Food Hall

It’s a safe bet many people have forgotten about the controversy surrounding the dress code posted by this Short North business, which critics labeled discriminatory and racist. Weirdly, despite the name, the reopening is not accompanied by a dress code and baggy clothes are perfectly OK.

Columbus City Council becomes Your 15-Year Corporate Tax Abatement Has Been Approved Council

Finally, some truth in advertising. To be honest, this one could stick.