The List: Ranking the edibles pictured in the Attorney General’s Halloween press release
Dave Yost warned parents of the dangers of marijuana edibles making their way into trick-or-treat bags despite no evidence this is actually happening
Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost recently issued a press release warning parents of the dangers that marijuana edibles could present to the state’s trick-or-treating tikes. “The levels of THC in these fakes could have some real and devastating consequences for children,” Yost said. “Parents need to be extra cautious, especially around Halloween, that these copycat products don’t wind up in treat bags.”
Overlooking the fact that even the most absent-minded edible fan is unlikely to hand over part of their stash to a child dressed as a character from “Paw Patrol,” the press release was apparently issued with no evidence of this ever happening in Ohio.
Yost's release was accompanied by a photo of edibles apparently confiscated by law enforcement, though his office couldn’t say where it had gotten the photo, only that it did not originate from Ohio. (It's probably just a coincidence that a familiar-looking image accompanied a similar release put out on Oct. 6 by Arkansas AG Leslie Rutledge.)
Like “Beauty and the Beast,” this weed-spiked treats tale is one as old as time, with the Nexis News database containing numerous similar warnings dating back to 1996, when California became the first state to legalize medical marijuana. Indeed, the headline to this 2019 Slate article nicelysums up this entire panic: No One’s Going to Give Your Kids Free Weed in Their Halloween Candy.
So rather than engaging with the substance of Yost’s missive, we thought we’d focus on the accompanying photo, ranking the pictured edibles from our least- to most-favorite based solely on the name. To the rankings!
Medicated Nerds Rope Bites
Billing anything edible as “medicated,” even if it’s candy, is going to get a big pass from us. The only thing worse would be Medicated Mr. Goodbar, the worst of all chocolate bars.
Cheetos Puffs (medicated)
OK, so the next three entries all suffer from a similar shortcoming: a total lack of inventiveness in the naming process. All three simply take the original product name and packaging and then slap on a THC label and medical warnings, which strikes us as a missed opportunity. We’re placing Cheetos last of the trio because the potential for greatness feels somehow more present here. (Cheetos Puff Puffs Pass, anyone?)
Nacho Cheese Doritos (medicated)
Admittedly a more difficult name to turn into a pun, but even Nacho Weed Doritos would have been a step in the right direction.
Fruity Pebbles (medicated)
Apparently Fruity Pebbles already shares a name with a popular strain of weed, so the thinking here might be to simply not mess with a good thing. Still, boring.
The folks behind Stoney Patch, a play on Sour Patch Kids, the candy best known for sandpapering your tongue into a fleshy pulp, wisely dropped "Kids" from the name, or else this edible might have earned even more ire from fear-mongering police departments nationwide.
Double Stuff Stoneo
Ah, now that’s the (double) stuff.