The List: Top 10 fictional alcoholic beverages

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

We love booze. Even the imaginary stuff. Here are 10 made-up libations that we wish were real.

10. Jumbo Jim’s Grape Scotch

It was a one-off joke on “How I Met Your Mother,” but we have to congratulate them for actually creating a Scotch we wouldn’t touch.

9. Mudder’s Milk

This local libation from the world of Joss Whedon’s “Firefly” features “all the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus 15-percent alcohol.” This brilliant creation might completely eliminate the need for solid food in real life.

8. “A beer”

Over and over in TV shows and movies, characters saunter up to the bar and just order a non-specific “beer.” Try that in Bodega sometime.

7. Uncle Jemima’s Down Home Mash Liquor

The 190- proof booze, from a “Saturday Night Live” sketch starring Tracy Morgan as Aunt Jemima’s husband, promises to get you bent as quickly as possible. Also the bottle looks like the famous maple syrup so people will just think you’re trying to get diabetes, and won’t know you have a drinking problem.

6. Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

Zaphod Beeblebrox from Douglas Adams’ “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” was an intergalactic mixologist for creating this concoction, the effects of which are described as "like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped ’round a large gold brick." We’ve been there, man.

5. The Old Spanish

This is the only fictional booze to be featured on two different shows. The concoction (red wine, tonic water and olives) made its first appearance on “30 Rock” where it was discussed by Matthew Broderick’s Cooter and Alec Baldwin’s Jack. The disgusting drink was then ordered by Teddy Chaough on “Mad Men” in the most recent season. Of course, this is what Teddy drinks.

4. Samuel Jackson Beer

In one of “The Chappelle Show’s” most memorable sketches, Dave Chappelle plays Jackson — dressed in colonialist garb — to pitch his brew. Also the winner of best fictional booze slogan, “Good mother----ing choice, mother----er … It’ll get you drunk!”

3. The Flaming Moe

“The Simpsons” second-most iconic booze is the basis for one of its best episodes, all-time. When Moe steals Homer’s recipe for the combustible cocktail, it turns his bar into the hottest hot spot in Springfield. Eventually Moe realizes the success is nothing without his best friends/louts.

2. Moloko Plus

We rarely support the idea of dairy-based cocktails, but the beverage of choice for Alex and his Droogs in “A Clockwork Orange” is a drug-spiked milk that gets them up for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

1. Duff Beer

There are dozens of “everyman” ales out there — from Alamo in “King of the Hill” to Dharma beer in “Lost” — but the undisputed King of Fictional Beers has to be Homer Simpson’s favorite. Plus, it had a great spokesman in Duff Man.

AP Photo/Warner Bros. Inc.