Hollywood is remaking Road House, and they must be stopped

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive


Patrick Swayze's Dalton in a rare tender moment when he's not ripping out a bad guy's throat

Earlier this week, people got understandably bent out of shape over announced plans to make a sequel to "It's a Wonderful Life" - which rights-holder Paramount vows to block. But I'm here to tell you of a far more egregious violation of classic American cinema.

They're going to do a remake of "Road House."

I'll just let that sink in for a second. "Road House," the bar-brawling 1989 movie starring the late Patrick Swayze as bouncer/ladies man/Zen master Dalton is set for a 2015 remake, directed by Rob Cohen of the first "The Fast & the Furious."

Do you know who directed the original? ROWDY HERRINGTON. I mean, his name is friggin' Rowdy!

So not only do they think that someone can step into Swayze's role - lemme guess? Zac Efron? - but they think they're going to get someone with the same gristled cool as Sam Elliott? Or a sexy doctor who can wear a tablecloth-patterned mini-dress thingy as well as Kelly Lynch? Fat chance, Hollywood!

So what can you do? Well, for starters, stop going to shitty remakes. Hollywood is more and more risk-averse, so it's mining every possible avenue of known commodity it can, from endless sequels to TV-to-movie adaptation to unnecessary remakes.

And if you don't think this remake is unnecessary, here are some awesome lines of dialogue from the original film that would like to step outside and have a word with you …

• "Pain don't hurt."

• "I thought you'd be bigger."

• "Prepare to die."

"You are such an asshole."

• "You're too stupid to have a good time.

• "I used to f--- guys like you in prison."

• "There's always barber college."

And, finally, Dalton doling out some good life philosophy:

• "I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice."

I think it's time to not be nice with Hollywood remakes. Let's go for the throat.