The List: 12 ways "The Force Awakens" could still suck
Let's get this out of the way. Iabsolutely do not want the new "Star Wars" to suck. Quite the opposite, actually. Ever since Disney bought the rights to "Star Wars" and announced that there would be new movies, I've been trying to keep my expectations in check - especially when they namedmy top pick to direct the first movie. So with just a few short hours before I will finally (finally!) get to see it for myself, here are some worst-case scenarios to lower my expectations.
Luke and Leia rekindle their relationship
Yeah, the original trilogy kinda glossed over the burgeoning romance between siblings because, y'know, they didn't know? Imagine if they just went with it now.
Ewok rap battle
Let me state this for the record: Ewoks are unfairly maligned by dudes who can't admit they were cute little fuzzballs when you were a kid. But if you took them and tried to shoehorn in another cultural appropriation …
Ghost of Greedo visits Han, apologizes for shooting first
Tell your children to tell their children. Han shot first.
More bullshit about midi-chlorians
Science can be fun, except when it's fictional science being used to unnecessarily explain away one of the cool mysteries of your story universe.
A full 20 minutes of Galactic Senate C-SPAN
There's a reason it ain't called Star Diplomacy.
Jar Jar Binks
No lines. He's just there in the corner of the screen. For the whole movie. Flipping the bird.
J.J. Abrams' plan to return to more physical effects was met with praise, but what if he still wants to digitally manipulate something?
Score by Randy Newman
Sure, the playful style of Newman won't have that John Williams flair, but the Han and Chewie duet of "You Got a Friend in Me" is worth it.
George Lucas' non-director commentary track
It's just two hours of Lucas talking over the movie explaining what he'd do better.
Still underrepresenting women and people of color
This criticism returned with the first cast pictures, even though it looks like this time there are some meaningful roles that aren't white men.
Whiny fans hyperanalyzing mundane details and forgetting what it's like to be young and full of wonder
C'mon, you guys. It's "Star Wars"!