Local music review: The Unholy Two

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

'Twas the weekend before Christmas, and all through Used Kids

Aggression was stirring, inspired by The Miz.

Spinelli's hors d'oeuvres lined the counters with care

In hopes that The Unholy Two soon would play there.

The hipsters were gathered in warm winter threads

While visions of white devils danced in their heads.

And I in my hoodie perused Used Kids' stash

And bought "Band for Hire" by 84 Nash.

When up on the stage there arose such a clatter

I rushed through the crowd to see what was the matter.

I loaded my iPhone 4's camera app

And found a fine vantage for photos to snap.

He strode to the mic with such confident gusto -

I knew in a moment it must be Chris Lutzko.

More graphic than Rapeman each lyric he'd shout,

So mean, vitriolic and tough to make out.

Adam Smith stood by stoic, no mood to express,

Wrangling devilish guitar sounds through custom effects.

Bo Davis methodically beat to a pulp

His drums with a fierceness that caused me to gulp.

And off to the side stood the band's newest member,

Debuting on this eighteenth day of December

El Jesus de Magico's David Capaldi

Culled screams from his lap steel as if to assault me.

It all added up to a furious flurry.

They laid us to waste and wrapped up in a hurry.

This ballsy display of unbounded rock power

Likely didn't endure past a mere quarter-hour.

They played a few old hits and played a few newer,

Each one left my eardrums contentedly skewered.

For a band that once seemed to be nothing but talk

I could not help but think, "These guys certainly rock!"

As I bounded the stairwell still buzzed from the thrill

I rejoiced in the strange sordid spectacle, still

What a weird way to celebrate Jesus Christ's birth

Hearing songs filled with hate from the "Skum of the Earth."