Lady Gaga at the Schott

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

The mere mention of Lady Gaga's long-anticipated Monster Ball Tour in our Alive editorial meeting sent one staffer spiraling into a comically passionate anti-Gaga rant. We asked this anonymous figure to transcribe the critical questions so we could scrounge up some answers.

Q: OK , "Gaga . " What's the deal with thanking Whitney Houston at the Grammys this year? Whitney Houston, r eally? Not Madonna circa 1991, w ho so clearly paved your way? The only difference between you and Madonna 20 years later is that your pointy bra has been fitted with sparklers.

A: Gaga likely intended to deflect attention from her shameless Madonna ripoff by identifying with Houston instead. She will continue this process by marrying an abusive ex-R&B singer, becoming a crackhead and ruining her life.

Q: OK , so what's the deal with "your li ttle monsters"? " Paws up " ? What?

A: Gaga is embracing the idea that we're all outcasts of a sort. Because there's no better way to express individuality than with a coordinated hand gesture.

Q: What's the deal wi th the meat dress? Unsanitary.

A: Gaga was making a point about how she is not just a piece of meat. Though many of her fans find her, like, totally delicious.

Q: What's the deal with your feeling the need to emerge out of pods? Beginning of " Bad Romance " video? The egg at the Grammy s?

A: Gaga was actually hatched from an egg at birth. She's just paying tribute to her heritage, dude.

Lady Gaga

8 p.m. Thursday, March 10

Schottenstein Center

555 Borror Dr., Campus

schottensteincenter.com