No-beef burgers: Don't have a cow, man

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

To beef or not to beef, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler on the all-American bun to travel

The same and safe cowpath of familiar meat,

Or to take detours into bovine-free burger countries,

And by exploring these, chew on never-mooing sammies. To dine, to eat -

Much more, and by eat I mean chowing alternative burgers

Formed of patties packing many beefless satisfactions

Unknown to those forever prone to the well-worn road of common burgerdom

You know, if only Hamlet had occasionally broken out of his inky-cloaked habits and sometimes traveled down an alternate road, maybe he might not have been such a soliloquy-mad downer. Because getting stuck in a rut can stunt one's progress through life so much that one can become fixated on the darker side of things.

Yeah, I'm thinking if Hamlet-burger maybe had something different to chew on other than his iambic pentameter and bleak medieval Danish cuisine, things might've turned out much better for that son of a slain king.

By now you might be asking yourself, "Exactly how does this pertain to my lunch?" Good question, and I was just getting to that.

You see, if like most people in this country, lunchtime means lustily sliding in a big old sloppy hamburger - and nothing wrong with that, I love them too - maybe it'd be a good idea for you to temporarily break out of your rutty routine and do something different. (Also, in case you haven't heard, lots of doctors have determined that ground beef is not necessarily the most healthy thing to put between your teeth.)

Naturally, I'd never suggest you give up that shark-eyed, atavistic rush of ravenously ripping into a tempting burger (hell no!), I was just wondering where opting "not to beef" could lead a committed burger eater. Thus did I scurry around town seeking burgers that fearlessly replaced the cud-sucking cow parts with something other.

The following "not burgers" will fulfill your jones for that familiar ground, bun-bound, fist-delivered meal, but they will also give you something new to chew on. So you can have a beef vacation and eat your burger too. G.A. says give 'em a change-of-pace try sometime.