Tracy Curtis: Fashion accident reminds me of my own jeanius past

Staff Writer
Columbus Monthly

It was reported recently that an Australian woman collapsed and was forced to crawl to seek help after her skinny jeans cut off the blood supply to her calf muscles. She was hospitalized and had to be cut from her jeans.

This crazy story reminds me of two of my own fashion faux pas …

For one, I know what it’s like to be cut out of my clothes. I once had to be cut out of a cocktail dress at Ann Taylor. I honestly don’t know what happened. I got the thing on, then I couldn’t get it off. I guess when I panic I swell, because the more I panicked the tighter it got, and I had to call for help.

The sales lady was very accommodating as she used a giant pair of shears to slice all the way up the side of the dress, while I explored a theory of some sort of chemical reaction — whereby a garment shrinks when met with perspiration, heat and cardiac arrest. “It happens,” she said. I guess so. They didn’t make me pay for the dress.

The second story is my own trouser trauma. Pre-marriage and living in L.A., I was quickly dressing for a date and pulled on the skinny jeans I’d worn the night before. It wasn’t until I got into his car that I realized that I had brought along the undergarment I also had worn the night before — snugly lodged inside my skinny jeans against my calf.

(Note: It’s humanly impossible to pull underwear out of skinny jeans while seated in the passenger side of a compact vehicle without the driver noticing.)

I was pretty sure wherever we were going, I’d be able to scoot from the parking lot to the ladies’ room and still keep my panties in a wad. Unfortunately, we arrived at Universal CityWalk Hollywood — a three-block entertainment, dining, and shopping promenade where we would walk the distance to the amphitheater to see Tears for Fears.

Ironically tearful and fearful myself, I embarked on a walk of shame, where at around the second block, my underwear made its way down around my ankle – and with one quick shake, I shot them out — parting a thousand screaming people behind me like the Red Sea.

Anyway, I’m surprised we don’t see more skinny jeans injuries like the one involving the Australian woman. With so many of us running around in binding britches, I’d think we’d be seeing women lying around everywhere, crawling and begging for help.

In fact, what a great plot for a horror film — “Hallowjean,” about a vicious line of skinny jeans that literally squeezes the life out of unsuspecting fashion femmes, opening this Fashion Week.

Regardless, I’ve learned my lesson on all counts. I’m just buying the next size up.


Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer.


On Twitter: @TracyLeeCurtis1

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