The Columbus Way (to Die)

Brooke Preston

The object of the new card game Don’t Get Stabbed! is—you guessed it—don’t get stabbed. The gist, as creator and New Albany resident Jordan McLaughlin puts it: “Kill your family and friends (for pretend).”

One player is the hopeful killer and the rest are potential victims, who try to escape while everyone draws cards that employ slasher-film tropes: investigate a strange noise; ask “who’s there?”; run up the stairs. McLaughlin raised more than $11,000 on Kickstarter to fund the game’s release in October (available on Amazon and

In the spirit of the game and the season, we summoned our most diabolical, hyperlocal horror clichés—the oh-so-Columbus ways to kick the (Rusty) Bucket.

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  • Become imprisoned by the Doo Dah Parade’s Marching Fidels and succumb during the never-ending afterparty
  • Choke on your unlucky 13th frank during Dime-a-Dog Night
  • To avoid the annual traffic nightmare, produce your own (literally) breathtaking Red, White & Boom tribute at home
  • Death by butter cow—or rather, from the stampede of fairgoers rushing to see it on opening day
  • Let the “M” word slip on the Oval during November
  • Discover that zoo polar bears are definitely not into your Jack Hanna cosplay
  • Try to jump one too many white horse fences in New Albany on a skittish thoroughbred worth more than most houses
  • Die of embarrassment after your fifth consecutive Fox in the Snow Instagram post gets less than 100 likes
  • Expire from exhaustion trying to park in the Short North
  • Get terminated as you attempt to smuggle refined sugars into the Arnold Classic—hasta la vista, Baby Ruth


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