Losing the Lists
January is a big month for lists as people look ahead to how they can improve their lives in 10 easy steps.
One way would be to stop reading lists. Here's my list of Lists I'm Not Reading in 2013:
1.Foods That Can Improve Your Mood, Your Mental Capacity, Your Libido, Etc.
Why I'm not reading it: Because such a list always sounds like the produce aisle at Whole Foods: Kale, radishes, pomegranates, almonds, plantains.
If those foods can improve your mood, why, in times of stress, do people feel an urge to eat a half-gallon of ice cream directly from the carton?
Next time you need to comfort someone, hand him a parsnip. See if it works.
Ways To Save $XX a Month
Why I'm not reading it: Disappointment. These lists always advocate spending less money but gloss over the details of how.
One list I read recently said that a great way to save $100 a month is to get your landlord to drop your rent by $100. How? By holding him hostage in an abandoned warehouse until he agrees to your demands?
Remodeling Projects That Pay Back When You Sell
Why I'm not reading it: It might convince me to remodel.
There are two ways to remodel: Do-it-yourself and hire a contractor. The former is great if you have the skills and plan to live to be 150 years old because that's how long it will take to finish the project, assuming you do it in 20-minute increments every night after work, as I would.
The latter is great if you have half a million dollars lying around.
In either case, you will reach a point where you say: You know what? I don't care if this master bath with garden tub (who takes a bath in a garden anyway?) will return 73 percent of my investment in resale value. I just want to stop inhaling drywall dust right now.
Oprah's Favorite Things
Why I'm not reading it: I have this nagging suspicion that Oprah and I travel in substantially different circles. Perhaps this quote on why she loves the $450 Dyson pedestal fan will illustrate:
"Safe, adjustable, easy to clean, and remote-controlled, the Pedestal Fan was on at the Jenners' place when I interviewed the Kardashians…."
The Trendy Colors for 2013
Why I'm not reading it: Paint manufacturers issue these forecasts to sell more paint. These are the same paint manufacturers who claim their product will last 20 years and stand up to hurricanes, dust storms and small asteroid strikes.
If it lasts 20 years, why would I want to repaint? Somehow, I think it's going to take more than redoing my family room in Electric Lime or Smokey Topaz to make me trendy in any case.
Top Presidential Prospects for 2016
Why I'm not reading it: It will remind me of living in Ohio during the 2012 presidential campaign. The mere thought of that makes me want to eat a half gallon of ice cream directly from the carton.
-Joe Blundo's columnSo to Speak appears in the Life section of The Columbus Dispatch. Visit his blog atDispatch.com