Hype we can believe in

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

With 84,000 revelers packing Invesco Field, Barack Obama's presidential nomination acceptance speech became the first ever visible from space.

"With profound gratitude and great humility, I accept your nomination for presidency of the United States," Obama said during Thursday's historic speech.

Yes, great humility. A less humble man might have delivered his speech at the Grand Canyon. But while the venue may not have been modest, Obama's presidential agenda surely was.

"I will rebuild our military to meet future conquests ... I will restore our moral standing ... I will end this war in Iraq," Obama promised. "I will also renew the tough, direct diplomacy ... I will cut taxes ... I will build new partnerships to defeat the threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear proliferation, poverty and genocide, climate change and disease."

And then, on my second day, I will put everything back to the way it was, giving me something to do on my third day.

But if Obama's positive vision of the future didn't do anything for you, perhaps I could interest you in a negative look at the past.

"We love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight," Obama said. "On Nov. 4, we must stand up and say 'eight is enough.'"

Yes, we must take it one day at a time. To restore good times and happy days. Whether you're married with children or just friends, cheers to you, Monday Night Football.

But, ultimately, it was a night of historic moments. The first African-American nominee, a stadium full of Democrats chanting "U-S-A," and ... Brooks & Dunn's "Only in America"? It's the exact same song Republicans played in 2004 after President Bush's acceptance speech. The only slight difference? The Democrats' version was sung by Albert Brooks and Nora Dunn.

Vice grip

The Democratic National Convention was the big news last week, but there was also some breaking news out of Dayton, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife.

Actually, no wait, I'm sorry, that was his running mate, Sarah Palin, the freshman governor of Alaska, and star and producer of the Emmy-winning 30 Rock. No, I'm sorry, it's actually the mild-mannered yet troubled librarian from every Cinemax movie. Yes, that's it.

McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience. So it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five-time-face-cancer-guy would choose a running mate whose resume seems to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show.

Obviously, Fox News, a sophisticated analysis network, understands why Palin would be ready from day one.

"The other thing about her, she does know about international relations, because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia," noted Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy.

Oh, you know what else? When I think about it, Alaska's also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

Now, the pick was a surprise, not least for Palin herself, who was asked about the job just a month ago.

"As for that VP talk all the time, I tell ya, I still can't answer that question until someone answers, for me, what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" Palin said.

Oh, mostly you just sit around being prepared to be the most powerful person on Earth.