There's so much to talk about this week - the devastating hurricane in Texas, and the collapse of the banks. But you know what? I don't care that there's no banks, or no Southern coast of the United States. And let me tell you why - I'm in love. Mankind might be heading for a cold winter, but it's still springtime in my heart.
Her name is Sarah Palin. Today, in the park near my house, I killed an animal for her.
Why do I love her? She's a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere.
"I told the Congress thanks but no thanks," Palin said.
She's so polite!
Now, I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway.
Or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she really didn't, or that she really didn't sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah. That's true.
The point is this - shut up. Because you don't speed-date in order to get to know somebody, you speed-date to make sure you're not talking to a dude.
I mean, look how she handled ABC News' Charlie Gibson during their Sept. 11 interview.
"Do you agree with the Bush Doctrine?" Gibson asked.
Palin: "In what respect, Charlie?"
Gibson: "What do you interpret it to be?"
Palin: "His worldview?"
Gibson: "No, the Bush Doctrine, enunciated September 2002, before the Iraq War."
Yeah, whatever, Charlie, do you know what the Bush Doctrine is?
I don't think Bush knows what the Bush Doctrine is. The point is, she doesn't need to know what the Bush Doctrine is. She is the Bush Doctrine.
Her foreign-policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska, and a refueling layover in Ireland. Now, that may give some people who are asked to be vice president pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people - Communists.
"I answered [John McCain] yes, because I have the confidence in that readiness, and knowing that you can't blink," Palin said. "You have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we're on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can't blink. So I didn't blink then, even, when asked to run as his running mate."
Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House. She really is bringing a fresh, new idea to this presidential season.
Or is she? Um, actually, President Bush talked about blinking an awful lot back in 2002.
"This mighty nation will not blink," Bush said. "Either we defend freedom so that our children and grandchildren can grow up in a peaceful world, or we blink. And if we blink, the rest of the world will blink as well."
Look, I know this is going to be an unpopular thing to say, but I'm going to say it - am I the only one who believes that blinking is actually healthy? I feel it clears out irritants of the eye. Keeps them hydrated.
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