Spoonful of Sugar

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Last Wednesday, the Senate passed a modified version of the bailout bill rejected just two days before by their dim-witted step-cousins, the House. And we all know who deserves the credit.

"I am proud of my work," said -- you guessed it -- Sen. John McCain. "Suspending my campaign, coming back to Washington, getting the Republicans to the table, which they were not, improving the bill. And I believe it will pass."

What made McCain so confident the bill would pass in the House? Because the Senate happened to add another $150 billion in goodie giveaways to convince legislators that not only would they be saving the country's economy, they'd be getting a prize! Whee!

Wait a minute, you want me to give away $700 billion of taxpayer money to cover for Wall Street's greed and incompetence? Well, to do that, I'm gonna need another $150 billion in taxpayer money.

And you know who's going to be really mad about this bill? McCain. In the same interview where he took great pride in the passing of this bill, he also decried it.

"This is a tourniquet, this isn't a cure, OK? This is a tourniquet to stop the bleeding," McCain said.

Whoa. It's gonna be fun to watch these two fight it out.

McCain One: "The fundamentals of this package are good, they're strong."

McCain Two: "It shows the incredible influence of lobbyists and special interests."

McCain One: "I think that this plan will produce a profit."

McCain Two: "It's insanity and it's obscenity, because it's a waste of taxpayers' dollars."

McCain One: "The taxpayers will be paid back first, which is an important provision of this bill."

McCain Two: "This is inside-the-Beltway cronyism of the worst kind these pork-barrel projects, these outrageous procedures it's terrible, and it really is corrupting."

McCain One: "And I believe it will pass."

Wow. You know who he reminds me of? A certain ring-coveting hobbit.

We loves the bill. We hates the bill. We loves the bill. We hates the bill.

You know, that's an unfair joke. Gollum is an old man corrupted by his quest for ultimate power and oh, wait.

The Senate must be pretty embarrassed that it took $150 billion of sweetener to get them to act on a supposedly urgent and necessary bill. Let's see what they had to say Wednesday night.

"There are people who are more impressive every time you work with them, and that's Chris Dodd," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "And each day we worked on this crisis together has been, every day, a day of my being more impressed."

Sen. Judd Gregg: "You know, this is the way government's supposed to work, folks, and it did. I think we can take a little pride in that."

To see all of us here, doing the thing we're supposed to do all the time, to see us do that -- once -- it's just You know, we really do suck normally.

If I may be serious for a moment, though, wasn't that a great joke? And I've got some thanks to make. Great job, writers. Great work on that joke. Those guys just impress me more and more the more I work for them.

The important thing is, a lot of times, the jokes we write suck. But that one? I thought it kind of worked.