Debatist generation

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

With four weeks to go and down between six to 10 points in the polls, Sen. John McCain's camp has just discovered they are losing this election to a terrorist. And as we've heard over these many years, we cannot let the terrorists win.

That's why a McCain supporter asked the candidate at a rally before last week's debate, "When are you gonna take the gloves off and just go at him?"

McCain's answer? "How about Tuesday night?"

Country second, ass kicking first!

So at the second presidential debate, down in Nashville, McCain strode forward to confront the enemy on a carpet stained red with the lipstick of a thousand pit bulls. It was here that the terrorist-palling, nation-hating Barack Obama would finally be called out.

McCain's first attack: "You know, nailing down Senator Obama's various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall."

Oh, snap! Obama, you got served! Like Jell-O! In a bowl. Served to old people.

And now the terrorist thing?

"He voted for nearly a billion dollars in pork-barrel earmark projects, including, by the way, $3 million for an overhead projector at a planetarium," McCain said.

In my day, do you know what they called planetariums? The sky! And guess how much it cost to look at it? A nickel.

McCain, you finally get face to face with Country-Hater McFisty Jab, and you're just talking about Senate procedural crap? Wow, it turns out underneath McCain's gloves were softer gloves.

To be honest, it was neither of the candidate's finest hour-and-a-half.

McCain: "The last president to raise taxes during tough economic times was Herbert Hoover."

Thank God that Republican was replaced by Roosevelt. D'oh!

Obama: "That's how, in banking, it works. Everybody goes to Delaware. Because they've got pretty loose laws when it comes to things like credit cards."

Laws people like my vice-presidential nominee Joe Biden helped ... d'oh!

McCain: "Except for those who have these gold-plated Cadillac kinds of policies. You know, like hair transplants. I might need one of those myself."

Ha. You're old.

Obama: "Senator McCain suggests that somehow, you know, I'm green behind the ears."

Yeah, you might not want to bring up the ears.

But midway through the debate, something became very apparent - McCain's been holding out on us.

"I know how to get America working again ... I know how to fix this economy," he said. "I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends. I'll get him. I know how to get him. I'll get him, no matter what, and I know how to do it."

When were you planning on telling us?! You know how to fix Social Security and catch bin Laden? When were you going to mention this?! You know we've been looking for that a--hole for five years, right?

Of course, McCain did occasionally get specific with his solutions. "My friends, what we have to do with Medicare is have a commission. Have the smartest people in America come together. Come up with recommendations."

Smartest people in America. Why didn't I think of that? I propose we get Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Dear Abby, that guy from House and Lex Luthor.

You know who else thought of getting the country's smartest people together to fix stuff? My son. He's four.

What's your policy on defense? A league of strong people?

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