Altered reality

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama over the weekend. But it's not going to help him win, and I'll tell you why. Powell lives in northern Virginia. Let's let John McCain's adviser Nancy Pfotenhauer tell you about those people.

"I certainly agree that northern Virginia has gone more Democratic, but the rest of the state - real Virginia, if you will - I think will be very responsible to Senator McCain's message," she said.

Huh. I always thought the two Virginias were West and Virginia. Not so. There's a Real Virginia, where the message of McCain and the Republicans resonates. And then there's Fake Virginia, where evil shadow versions of Virginians dance amongst the tarred remains of the righteous, their eerie cries mocking all that is decent and just. Nay, this Virginia is not for lovers.

But fear not! Because the righteous of Real Virginia are not alone.

Pfotenhauer continued, "And remember, you've got places in other states, like northern Wisconsin, the iron range of Minnesota, south-central and southeastern Pennsylvania, the St. Louis suburbs and the rural areas of Missouri, that are very responsive to our message."

Yes, McCain will be president of those five areas. It will give him complete control over the majority of our nation's roller derby franchises.

So, even if McCain doesn't win the "election" in "America," he'll still be president of Real America, the America that matters. The one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from.

Here's how she described it in a recent rally.

"We believe that the best of America is in the small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call real America, being here with all of you hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation."

So if small towns are Real America, that would make big cities, like New York and Washington, D.C., the epicenters of Fake America. The - What's the word I'm looking for? - the ground zero of Anti-America.

I bet bin Laden feels like a real a--hole now, huh? "What? I bombed the wrong America? That's it! I'm going into hiding. I'm too embarrassed."

All this Real America and Fake America can get a little hard to figure out. For instance, you may live in a small town, where they make good people, but you live in a gay state, like Massachusetts. Are you Real, or are you Fake?

Or, you may live in a big city, but still have a healthy mistrust of Muslims.

So, for those of you who are confused as to whether or not you're a Real American, it's actually quite simple.

Let's just have a quick quiz:

1. Your favorite amendment is: A) the First, or B) the Second

2. Is broccoli rabe the name of : A) a vegetable, or B) the guy who works in the produce department of Food Lion (you know, the place where Joe the Plumber would buy vegetables - if he bought vegetables, which he does not!)

3. Complete this phrase: "I'm proud to be an ... " A) American, or B) abortionist

4. Who are you voting for: A) John McCain, or B) The Terrorist

If you answered any of these questions, that means you're a fan of The Daily Show. So you're clearly not a Real American.

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