How to be awesome at slaying a vampire

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Despite the insistence by Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Spike that Halloween is the quietest night of the year for vampire activity, it's important to stay vigilant to avoid ending up as a sucker, literally, while trick-or-treating. Here are some steps to take before facing bloodthirsty demons.

1. Identify yourself as The Chosen One

When choosing to slay vampires, it's helpful to be predestined to make it your career. If you're the one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, or a human/vampire hybrid, or a vampire with a soul, skip the rest of this advice - you're an amazing slayer already.

2. Enlist your friends

It's always important to recruit friends to provide backup, especially when they have weird names like Whistler or Willow. They're helpful with magic spells, chemistry experiments, awkward sexual tension and menial labor. After all, stakes don't carve themselves.

3. Practice your witty banter

In addition to trading blows, it's also important to trade clever barbs. Blame Joss Whedon for setting the bar so high, and keep one simple rule in mind: A pun is neither witty nor clever, especially with so much at stake.

4. Develop martial arts skills

It's well established that along with the set of fangs and aversion to garlic bread, vampires also develop natural abilities in every form of martial arts and street fighting. If you can't at least match their moves in close combat, you're probably doomed from the start. And don't forget the acrobatic tumbling - vampires can do a double-twisting double tuck to rival Shawn Johnson.

5. Submit to the inevitable

You're not extraordinary, all of your friends are named David or Melissa, you think a fart joke counts as wit and sometimes you trip walking down the street on a flat surface. If you try to slay a vampire, you're probably going to lose, so make sure you can pull off a black batwing cape. That's your wardrobe for the rest of eternity.