Label makers

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Let's begin with a riddle. What is black and white and red all over?

An embarrassed zebra? A referee in the final stages of hemorrhagic fever? An embarrassed referee bludgeoning a zebra?

You're all wrong! It's Kansas-Kenyan Communist Barack Obama! He's black, he's white and he's clearly red.

For anyone who still isn't persuaded that this elitist, Muslim, terrorist candidate is no good, allow me to put the final nail in his political coffin. As his opponent, John McCain, has been telling anyone who will listen, Obama "wants to 'spread the wealth around.'"

Spread the wealth around?! My God, he's an elitist, celebrity, Muslim, terrorist-friendly socialist! I haven't seen one of those since famed revolutionary comrade Osama bin Lohan.

But wait a minute - shared prosperity, that doesn't sound so sinister, does it?

McCain's running mate Sarah Palin disagrees. "That sounds like socialism," she said during a recent rally. "Now is no time to experiment with socialism."

Yes, now is not the time to experiment with socialism. Now is the time to stick with what hasn't been working.

Tom Brokaw recently pushed the socialism issue, asking McCain to explain the rationale behind the $700 billion bailout that has the U.S. government buying shares in American banks.

"We are in a financial crisis of monumental proportions," McCain said. "The role of government is to intervene when the nation is in crisis."

So, now is not the time to experiment with socialism. It's ... now. Wait, not now ... now!

So the McCain campaign's latest label for Obama is socialist. Are there any labels that would apply to the Republican candidates? In fact, Palin's been asked numerous times whether she considers herself to be a feminist.

"I'm not going to label myself anything," she told NBC's Brian Williams, "and I think that's what annoys a lot of Americans, especially in a political campaign."

Yes, labeling, it's very annoying.

She's not going to label herself? I think Palin might be the only candidate in history who has literally labeled herself - surely you haven't forgotten that photo of her in her Miss Wasilla sash.

The McCain-Palin team knows that labeling people, reducing them to a single word, is demeaning and simplistic. And they know voters don't like it. Voters like Joe the Plumber. Or Ed the Dairy Man, Doug the Barber or Tito the Builder - all of whom Palin has name-checked at recent campaign events. But wait, there's more!

"Christine the Florist ... Phil the Brick Layer ... Cindy the Citizen ... Rose the Teacher ... Clark the Cook ... Joe the Farmer ... Dave the Cop ... Joe the Plumber's Son ... Vicki the Realtor ... Jeffrey the Hockey Player ... Jack the Hunter."

Mack the Knife! Sam the Butcher! Bozo the Clown!

What is with the name and occupation thing? Is McCain-Palin looking to rule us in the Middle Ages?

"McCain-Palin: Building a Bridge to the 13th Century."

Visit for more on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, including videos, games and photo galleries.

Visit ComedyCentral.comfor more on