I now denounce you, Chuck & Larry

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

And yet they used the only number that's both a top and a bottom. Coincidence?

The campaign in favor of banning gay marriage was boosted by $25 million in television advertising, much of it paid for by members of the Mormon church. Because if there's one value the Mormon church has always held dear, it's that marriage must be between one man and oh, wait.

Quick Mormon fun fact: Did you know their church had to found its own state because America refused to tolerate the way that Mormons got married? That's how America got stuck with Utah.

Sonja Eddings Brown, spokeswoman for the Protect Marriage coalition, was a Proposition 8 supporter. She's against gay marriage, but she's not against gays!

"We do know that since the dawn of time, and through current studies, children do best when they come from a low-conflict home with a mother and a father," Eddings Brown said on The O'Reilly Factor. "I have a lot of [gay] friends, as a producer in Hollywood for 20 years, who are fantastic people and making great contributions, and I care very much about their rights."

Yeah, look. I'm sorry, I don't know you and I don't know your gay friends, so this is based on speculation and supposition. But I feel fairly confident in telling you this -- your gay friends hate you. Even though you swear that preventing gay people from getting married and having children is nothing against the type of parents gay people are.

"I walk to school every day with gay parents. I think they're doing a fantastic job," Eddings Brown continued.

Yeah, once again, I don't know you, I don't know those gay parents. Nonetheless, I again feel fairly confident in telling you -- they don't enjoy walking to school with you. Especially when you begin the morning conversation with, "Hey, did you see me on O'Reilly last night? I was talking about how this, you and your kids, yeah, that should never have happened. See you at Lunch Bunch!"

For some Proposition 8 supporters, it wasn't just our children who were at risk, it was our most precious resource -- words.

"We want to preserve marriage as it's been defined -- between a man and a woman, from the beginning of time," explained Pastor Edward Smith of the Zoe Christian Fellowship in Whittier, California.

Yes, traditional marriage: When your fief lord decides, for the purpose of increasing his workforce, that you, a pig farmer on his estate, will marry one of the slop women who cleans out the castle cesspit. Doesn't matter which one.

So he bribes the archbishop to bind you in marriage, and the king, who happens to be passing through the village on his way to a witch burning, takes advantage of the primae noctis to deflower your bride. Then you have 11 children, three of whom survive before dying of the plague at age 26.

Ah, tradition!

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