International Male

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Kudos continue to pour in from around the world this week for our new president-elect, Barack Obama.

Some were bland, yet dignified. Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai, for example, congratulated president-elect Obama and wished "him and the American people all the best."

And I look forward to being a central figure in the international crisis which will undoubtedly test him within his first 60 days. It's going to be big!

Some of the kudos reached for profundity. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown declared, "This is a moment that will live in history, as long as history books are written."

What the heck does that mean? A moment that will live in history as long as history books are written? Because no one will speak of this again! It is only to be read about. If, in the future, we no longer record what happens to us, I fear the moment will be lost.

And some of the kudos, well ... just take a look at what Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega said. "Por primera vez, los Estados Unidos tienen un presidente negro."

Not cool! No es frigidad!

Wait, what? You mean, "negro" just means black down there? Sorry, it's just after the past eight years, I'm used to foreign leaders talking s--- about our president. I apologize.

Italy's prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, meanwhile, caused quite a stir after calling Obama "... handsome, young and suntanned."

Ayy, what's-a with dis Obama, eh? Ain't he never heard of the sun block? He's crazy, eh? That's-a spicy meatball!

Gary and Gary, unmarried

Last week's big news, of course, was the election of a new president. But there were other issues on the ballot on Nov. 4. Here are a couple of election updates, in case you haven't been paying attention.

The Democrats have picked up a sixth Senate seat in Oregon.

Kansas has seceded from the union - they have elected to go with, oddly enough, Nicaragua.

Fruit has been banned in Montana, largely a symbolic gesture there.

And Proposition 433 has passed in Iowa, despite protests from little people and the Chinese women they will now be forced to marry. So, what an election!

Actually, three states - California, Arizona and Florida - had ballot measures calling for a ban on gay marriage, and all three of those states banned gay marriage. Including California, where voters still managed to pass a referendum ensuring chickens in slaughterhouses would have enough leg room.

And if you like your injustice tinged with a bit of irony, you'll enjoy this bit of news. As journalist Jane Velez-Mitchell explained on CNN's Headline News, 69 percent of African-American voters in California supported the ban. "Essentially, their coming out in huge numbers for Obama is what put this over the top," she said.

Ah, it appears the oppressee has become the oppressor. What'd that take, about 24 hours?

Free at last, free at last! Whoa, whoa, where are you two going?

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