Christmas cheer for the whole family

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

I know the holidays are jumping up on people, being only a few weeks away, but I just want to say that my Christmas shopping is done. I already got presents for my family and friends.

Hate me? You don't have to, because you can do it, too. It's all thanks to the Indiana chapter of Planned Parenthood, which is offering gift certificates. It's the perfect gift for someone you know who has everything, but doesn't necessarily want everything.

And where would you put your Planned Parenthood gift card? In your wallet, where you should have put the condom.

I know what you're thinking - these gift cards are a scam, anyway. There are always a couple of bucks left you never use. You get your Planned Parenthood gift card and you get a breast exam, and with the six bucks leftover you get one of those chocolate IUDs.

Well, I know what I'm getting my secret Santa. It's a great way to say, "Merry Christmas - there's been speculation around the office you have the human papillomavirus."

Sale of the century

The word "jack-off" gets thrown around pretty casually these days, perhaps a little too casually. But a lot of those people aren't really jack-offs; some are jerks or d-bags. That's why it's a privilege to see a true jack-off in action.

Take Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who, speaking on Dec. 8 at a Chicago union rally, answered rumors that for some reason he was under investigation.

"If anyone wants to tape my conversations, go ahead," Blagojevich said. "I don't care if you tape me privately or publicly. I can tell you whatever I say is always lawful and the things I am interested in doing are always lawful."

Well, clearly this man has nothing to hide, except for perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is that it's something like "Bribe me."

Now, denying you've done something unlawful doesn't make you a jack-off. Daring someone to tape your phone calls does not make you a jack-off.

This is what makes you a jack-off:

"A bug was placed in the campaign offices of Gov. Blagojevich and a tap was placed in his home phone," U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said on Dec. 9 at a news conference announcing the arrest of the governor.

"Gov. Blagojevich tried to sell the appointment to the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Obama," Fitzgerald alleged. "The tape revealed that Gov. Blagojevich wanted a number of things ... an appointment to a private foundation, a higher-paying job for his wife ... and I quote, 'Fire all those bleeping people, get them the bleep out of there, and if they don't perform, bleep them.'"

Holy effing bleep! Is this guy a governor or Lil' Wayne?

It took special prosecutor Fitzgerald more than two years to pin down Scooter Libby for obstruction of justice, a sentence the president immediately commuted. He battled executive privilege, fancy big-city lawyers and a lot of liars for bupkis.

It took six weeks for jack-off Blagojevich to hand the prosecutor this low-hanging fruit.

"The governor's own words describing this Senate seat, quote, 'It's a bleeping valuable thing. A thing you just don't give away for nothing,'" Fitzgerald told reporters.

For God's sake, it's like hunting cows. Can you make it any easier?

The governor might as well have said, "I would like to sell this seat to the highest bidder, clearly violating U.S. Code title 18, part one, chapter 11, section 208, paragraph A; solicitation of bribery."

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