Provinces in peril

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Let's discuss our neighbors to the north, Canada. No, don't look up! These gentle cannibals face perhaps their greatest challenge since their controversial decision to reshape bacon: It is a constitutional crisis with a government dissolved.

In early December, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper decided to dissolve the Canadian Parliament rather than face a vote of no confidence.

The vote from opposition political parties would have forced the prime minister from office. Force him from office, you say? You can do that? Because we've had no confidence in our guy for almost eight years, and he's taking forever to leave.

I mean, Harper's approval rating is 46 percent and they're trying to kick him out. You know what we call a 46-percent approval rating down here? President Clinton!

Harper dodged the vote by dissolving Parliament, but he still had to endure the wrath of an outraged citizenry that took to their incredibly tidy streets. One protester asked, "What are you afraid of, sir?"

Sir?! You're heckling him - it's not a job interview. Do you Canadians save all your obnoxiousness for hockey games?

Liberal Party leader Stephane Dion is also outraged. "For the first time in the history of Canada, the prime minister of Canada is running away from the Parliament of Canada," he said.

Hey, I didn't know Celine Dion had a sister.

What am I supposed to do, criticize his policies? I don't know anything about this guy - he's Canadian.

Dion and the other opposition leaders got together and signed a pact to hold a no-confidence vote on Dec. 8. So, on Dec. 4, Prime Minister Harper headed out alone in either a hail storm or some type of snow globe to announce his bold action.

"The Governor General has agreed to prorogue Parliament," said Harper.

First, what kind of magical creature's hair doesn't get messed up in a hail storm? And second, "prorogue Parliament"? Talk English, Frenchy.

So, the prime minister of Canada has so much power that he can just shut down Parliament?

"In an unprecedented political move, Harper convinced Governor General Michaelle Jean, who represents the county's head of state, Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth, to suspend Parliament until late January," reported Fox News' David Lee Miller.

Whoa, time out! The Queen of England has actual power in Canada? I thought she was just some figurehead that did stuff like knight those little corgis, or christen boats, or christen boats with corgis.

Why should we care anyway? Canada is not a nuclear state and their money is a Milton Bradley-based currency. And their chief export is jokes that they are the butt of.

So what does this have to do with us in the United States? Well, the last thing you want is Canada as a failed state. Would it become a breeding ground for terrorists? No, but there would be some really pissed off ice-road truckers.

Visit for more on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, including videos, games and photo galleries.

"The Daily Show"

Monday through Thursday at 11 p.m. on Comedy Central