Strip maul

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

I am supercharged. I am feeling great about the New Year. 2008 was a rough year, no question about, but 2009 is nothing but hope and change.

Unfortunately, 2009 begins with Israel raising the stakes in its all-out assault on Gaza. It's probably just a little skirmish - it happens all the time in the Middle East. It's just a little seasonal culling of the missile surpluses. Got the 2009 missiles coming in and you have to make room in the silos.

In 2008 everything in the Middle East was fine. I remember one fellow feeling particularly optimistic.

"While the Israelis and Palestinians have not yet reached an agreement, they have made important progress. They have laid a new foundation of trust for the future," said President Bush on Dec. 5.

Do you know anything?! Do you have any idea what you are talking about?!

By the way, I'm not an architect, but I find that when you are laying a foundation, you don't want to make it out of C-4. It is really unstable for a foundation material.

If my memory serves me correctly, I believe the truce between Hamas and Israel only expired about two weeks ago. It's not like Hamas lobbing missiles is an unusual and new occurrence. Why does Israel feel they have to react so strongly right now?

Oh, I get it. Israel is not sure the new U.S. administration is going to allow them carte blanche in the bombing department, so they're getting it in now before the Jan. 20 hope and change deadline. It is like a civilian carnage Toyotathon.

I'm sure a lot of countries don't know how their relationship will change with the United States, so it's probably a good time for them to check things off their "screw it" list.

Take Saudi Arabia. They could cease oil production completely - see how the world likes that. And who knows how Barack Obama will feel about North Korea's nuclear arsenal? Can they afford not to launch them?

Personally, I will be starting that baby-fighting ring that I'm guessing Obama will be against. That's right - I'm starting a baby-fighting ring. Under the Bush administration, I received a tax break to start it.

Hamas' continued insistence on firing missiles into Israel, and Israel's continued insistence on the soul-crushing segmentation and blockading of Gaza, is a very complex situation.

"All Americans know what we would be doing if rockets were landing in San Diego from Tijuana," said George Will of Newsweek.

Yeah, we would open them up and pull out the tequila and hookers. Am I right people? If you can't go to spring break, they will just fire it to you.

Can't someone phrase this in a way that will really bring it home?

"If you are in your apartment and some emotionally disturbed person is banging on the door, screaming, 'I'm going to come through this door and kill you,' do you want us to respond with one police officer ... or with all the resources at our command?" said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

I guess it depends if I force that guy to live in my hallway and make him go through check points every time he has to take a dump.

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