CPAC, man

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

As we all know, these are hard times for conservatives and Republicans. Just three years ago, they controlled the White House and both houses of Congress. Now, they only control one-fifth of The View. Well, one-eighth if you're going by mass.

They are about a month into the wilderness and they are ready to make their move. They gathered last weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference to be illuminated by the leading lights of the movement.

Which luminaries spoke this year? That's right, it was radio host Rush Limbaugh, conservative author Ann Coulter and the pre-pubescent conservative author Jonathan Krohn. It was like an episode of Two and a Half Men.

As for teenager Krohn, I'm not sure there is a nurple purple enough. No, he's just a kid and I'm probably not allowed to make fun of him. Let me check the old Comedy Ethics Bible for guidance on what is and is not mockable.

There's an old lady falling on ice: No. But, a racist old lady falling on ice: Yes. Racist old lady falling on ice and accidentally killing Hitler: Yes. Wow, this book really does cover everything.

Here we go: A precocious teenage conservative firebrand. I can't do it. Only a classmate and a sibling can - he's untouchable.

Actually, it is a little disingenuous to suggest the conference was centered around Doogie Howser G.O.P., the mean lady and the outermost shell of a Rush Limbaugh nesting doll. But, that's me, because I'm in the media.

"Since the press no longer protects us with the truth, we have to go find it for ourselves," said Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association.

I think he's talking about me. Ah, the old media filter. That crazy old man was right - it is unfair. So let's give CPAC what they want. Here are their words and their responses unfiltered. Let's see what makes them cheer.

"The daily newspaper is going to die," said Sen. Tom Coburn. Boo, information and opinion in printed form. What else?

"To us, bipartisanship is them being forced to agree with us after we have politically cleaned their clocks and beaten them," said Limbaugh. Actually, I think that is "occupation." Any more?

"Our founding fathers understood that the guys with the guns make the rules," said LaPierre. No, that was the British. Our founding fathers were the representational democracy guys.

Well, I guess LaPierre doesn't care about political correctness. "It's not politically correct, but I don't care if their butts pucker from here to the Potomac," he said.

That led to the NRA's gayest slogan yet: "From my cold puckered butt." Legend has it that if you can pry the AK-47 from LaPierre's cold puckered butt, you become king.

We know what makes them applaud, but what tickles them?

"John Kerry served in Vietnam," said Limbaugh to a crowd of laughter.

"Let's talk together. Let's be above partisanship," said Newt Gingrich to a house of giggles.

Cooperation is gay.

"[Obama] said during the campaign that he thought Iran was a tiny threat ... but is the loss of one American city - pick one at random, Chicago - is that a tiny threat?" said former U.S. Ambassador John Bolton.

Chicago getting nuked, that's hilarious. Wait, he must not know that Oprah still lives there.

So, to summarize: CPAC consisted of the deriding of veterans, open calls for presidential failure and the annihilation of an American city, all to save the U.S. from unpatriotic Democrats.

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