The Daily Show: The Notorious A.I.G.

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

For the past few weeks, anger has been building over news that bailed-out insurance firm AIG used taxpayer money to give out $165 million in bonuses to the very knuckleheads at AIG who messed up this whole thing in the first place - not to mention the thousands of dollars spent on their "Worst Employee of the Month" plaque. Why would they use pure gold for that?

As we always do in times of crisis, America turned to the House Financial Services Committee, which opened up a can of dumbass.

First order of business is vindication ... of themselves.

"I voted against [the bailout] twice and I'll vote against it three or four times," said Rep. Jeb Hensarling.

I got a tattoo saying how much I hate the bailout. I set the bailout on fire and made its children watch. The distinguished gentleman from Massachusetts beat the bailout to death with its own preamble.

Just because Congress has nothing to do with it doesn't mean there isn't somebody out there to blame.

"We're going to have to find somebody ultimately that is responsible for the whole thing," said Rep. Paul Kanjorski.

I bet it turns out to be bank president Hitler bin Laden. I'm telling you, something about that guy doesn't sit right with me.

What possible methodology could a congressional committee use to assign blame?

"We do intend to use our power to get the names," said Rep. Barney Frank.

I want the names! Give me the names! Our economy has gotten so bad that a congressional subcommittee has been formed to ferret out the capitalists who are subverting our system.

This must be a meeting of the House Un-American Activities Committee: Capitalism Edition. Today's suspect is AIG Chairman Edward Liddy. Get him, angry mob! Better dead than in the red!

"These contracts were all put together before I was at AIG. I would not have done these contracts this way and this whole arrangement would have looked a whole lot different," said Liddy.

Does that mean we can't yell at you anymore? Is there anybody you can think of that we can yell at?

Maybe the people who got the bonuses?

"I am just very concerned about the safety of our people," Liddy said after executives received threats. "Let me just read [this] to you: 'All the executives and their families should be executed with piano wire around their necks.'"

Well, there's a stark reminder of our baser instincts.

Still, blame is one thing, but ultimately this is about solutions. "I think the AIG name is so thoroughly wounded and disgraced that we're probably going to have to change it," said Liddy.

And that's how the entire economy was solved. AIG's new, more appealing name is "Herpes."

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