Daily Show: Fools Rush out

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

We all know these difficult economic times have taken a toll, but I'm not sure any of us have truly comprehended the devastating ramifications of this recession, until now.

Rush Limbaugh laid out the latest injustices on March 30.

"Personal income taxes for the upper-middle class and the rich are about to skyrocket 31 percent for all New Yorkers making over $500,000 a year," Limbaugh said. "So, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to look for an alternative studio somewhere outside New York. I'll sell my apartment, I'll sell my condominium. I'm going to get out of there totally, because this is just absurd, and it's ridiculous."


For years, New Yorkers have done everything in our power to get this guy to leave town. We all, as New Yorkers, have come together to do this one thing - get rid of Rush Limbaugh. He was the Truman in our citywide Truman Show.

We passed laws making it tougher for hot-dog vendors to sell on the streets. We held gay pride parades. See, actually there are barely any gay people in the city, we just shipped them in because we thought it would make him uncomfortable.

We knew he was into drugs, so we cleaned up Times Square. We even opened up a Disney Store in the very place he would normally go to buy drugs. We knew he liked cigars, so we all made an agreement that people who smoke cigars are douche bags.

Fleets of Ivy-League-educated cab drivers pretended to be surly Middle Easterners just to annoy Rush Limbaugh. We outlawed murder, figuring he's the kind of guy who probably has a taste for it.

In fact, the whole reason we've got to raise taxes in New York is because of how expensive this whole decades-long charade has been. You know how much it costs to keep Chinatown filled with "Chinese" extras?

Year of the snakes

With all the serious news out there, it's nice to take a step back and look at the lighter side of current events, and it looks like we've got a hot story from the Sunshine State.

"There's a whole lot of snakin' going on here in Florida," teased Fox News' Orlando Salinas.

A "whole lot of snaking,' " that's great! I bet they've got, like, a snake circus, or footage of a snake and a kitten that are best friends.

"At least 30,000 Burmese pythons are on the loose, and now a python patrol has been created," Salinas said. "Those snakes are slithering across the state and, so far, they cannot be stopped."

An unstoppable army of snakes is making its way across Florida, and you chose to open the story with a lighthearted pun? Yes, these killer snakes have created mass hissssteria.

Apparently, the creatures escaped from pet stores during the last hurricane and are breeding like crazy. They are carnivorous and can grow up to 18 feet in length. They can also survive in three-quarters of the U.S., from Washington D.C. to San Francisco.

So, this is how it ends - with thousands of carnivorous snakes. I had my money on accidental nuclear annihilation with a little hedge bet on global pandemic, but for those of you who had humanity devoured by escaped Florida pet-store snakes - kudos.

And by the way, thanks, Florida, for starting almost every crappy thing in the world, ever.

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