The Daily Show: Cheney predacted

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

We all knew Barack Obama was bringing us hope and change, but there was another thing he wanted us to have - information.

"What I want to do is increase transparency and accountability to offset the power of special interests and lobbyists," promised Obama before he took office. "Sunlight is the best disinfectant."

That's a beautiful metaphor, although I do have to caution that sunlight is actually a terrible, terrible disinfectant. If you do have a cut or an open wound of any kind, and I cannot stress this enough, do not clean it with sunlight.

My point is, after eight years of classifications, redactions, pixilated Google Earth maps and the war on terror, now we're going to know everything - from state secrets to Obama's once-a-day smoking habit.

It's a brand new day in Washington. Let the sunshine in!

And then the stories started coming in from Washington. You may remember the president deciding against releasing hundreds of Pentagon photos depicting torture.

As Fox News reported: "Obama's administration is invoking the State Secrets Privilege, just as President Bush did, to shield eavesdropping programs from public exposure."

The latest news? The White House is refusing to give access to the list of White House visitors, saying "they don't believe that is information the public needs to know."

You do know what "transparency" means, right?!

Why won't you let us know who's visiting you at the White House? Who's visiting, Bono? Satan? Urkel? Who?

Is there anything else we can't see?

Yes - the justice department is trying to prevent the release of an interview Dick Cheney gave in 2004 as part of an investigation into the CIA leak case.

In covering the story, MSNBC posed this question: "Why does the Obama administration want to protect former Vice President Dick Cheney from the likes of Jon Stewart?"

What? The entirety of the American people have been kept in the dark about the CIA leak case because of me?

According to Obama's own Justice Department, it's about precedent: "A future vice president asked to provide candid information during a criminal probe might refuse to do so out of concern 'that it's going to get on The Daily Show.'"

You're worried that future vice presidents will refuse to testify in legal matters because they don't want to be made fun of? Let me cite the case of Brown v. Board of Tough S---: don't be the crook if you can't handle the schnook.

You know, "people might tease me" is not a valid reason to reject a subpoena. The whole point of being vice president is to be a snide-humor magnet, to deflect any douche arrows from people like me that might otherwise head towards the president.

You think Joe Biden is really more qualified than Hillary Clinton? No, it's who is the best executive-branch rodeo clown.

Do you really believe Dan Quayle was a functioning illiterate who couldn't spell "potato"? The guy was a senator. He threw himself on the grenade for Bush.

And the only reason Nixon picked Spiro Agnew is that his name is an anagram for "grow a penis." Without that guy being a very funny distraction, Nixon has no time to do Watergate.

Not to mention, now the Justice Department is worried about us doing Cheney jokes? Um, you're a little late.

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