The Daily Show: RIP Jacko

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Apparently, everyone who ever meant anything to anyone passed away in the last few weeks. We are alone, left with no cultural touchstones and only questions.

Can I complain about the media overload? Of course. Is it unusual to see a story where the analysis and insight of Quincy Jones is given equal weight to that of Corey Feldman? Yes.

But all I'm going to say about it is this: However you felt about Michael Jackson, whatever your opinions are, I believe we as a people should make a rule that once you die - unless you are a convicted felon or an oppressive dictator - that whatever derisive nickname we used for you dies with you.

So, can we stop calling him Jacko now? After you die, can a brother get a Mr. Jackson?

Here's another rule: If you're a Republican governor who's banging some Argentinean women that's not your wife, don't think you're getting out of it just because the King of Pop died.

Mark Sanford, D-Bag South Carolina, has searched his soul and scripture and you're not going to believe the conclusion he arrived at. He's staying as governor!


"What I find interesting is the story of David and the way in which he fell mightily, fell in very, very significant ways, but then picked up the pieces and built from there," said Sanford on June 26.

That's right, he's not resigning as governor because of the story of King David. You're a conservative Christian and you're going to pull out my book? No, my brother!

You don't go Old Testament just when you screw up. Normally, you only dip into that pie to condemn homosexuals.

Imagine how far you'd have to flip through the New Testament to find something that would work in this case. Let's see, Prodigal Son? No, that's not going to work. Good Samaritan - that's definitely not going to work.

First Corinthians - the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of Heaven, neither the idolaters or adulterers. Crap!

Let's go to the end here, with Revelations and the woman having a golden cup in her hand filled with the filthiness of her fornication. Uh oh. Better go Old Testament!

Classic Coups

Meanwhile, if recent untimely deaths have you yearning for '70s and '80s nostalgia, buckle your seat belts.

In Central America, the military in Honduras staged a coup on June 28, seizing power in Central America. Oh yeah, take it back to the '80s.

President Zelaya of Honduras was a democratically elected, left-leaning leader forced out by the military after trying to change the country's constitution to allow him to serve a second term.

He apparently awoke to the sound of gunfire in his own home and was still in his pajamas when the military forced him to leave the country.

Luckily for him, they were his military pajamas. You've got to be prepared in Central America if the coups are coming back, because you don't want to be carried off into the night like Noriega, who was wearing his Spider-Man onesie pajamas. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, Noriega was also caught with the butt flap open.

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