Daily Show: The Departing

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Big news for the Middle East - as of June 29, the United States has officially withdrawn its troops from Iraq.

Don't get too excited - I haven't gotten to the apostrophe. They have withdrawn from Iraq's cities. We'll obviously be there forever.

We're still in Iraq, just not in the cities. But it's kind of a big deal, because now we're stationed in the exurbs, if you will.

It's where they have the mega-mosques and the Al-Mart. It's where all the bridge and tunnel people would live, had the bridge and tunnels not been destroyed.

To maintain some element of surprise, the United States pulled back its forces one day earlier than advertised, keeping the expected violence to a minimum and ruining a surprise party that had been planned for six years.

Said one Iraqi, "What am I supposed to do with 144 pounds of almond cake?"

By the way, why are we leaving Iraq like a houseguest who broke something?

Yeah, I know I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but I moved my flight up to give you guys some space. Here's your key and, uh, don't go in the bathroom.

So ends six years of urban Iraqi occupation, during which the United States made a great effort to stabilize the country ... a country that we had initially destabilized. It's got to be kind of a bittersweet moment for the Iraqis.

The country declared the day a national holiday called National Sovereignty Day, and citizens danced in the city streets and celebrated with fireworks late into the night.

You know, we just left the cities. We're still in town, and we can still see your fireworks. Can an American brother get some ambivalence? You weren't this happy when we took Saddam out, and he had rape rooms. I'm not saying we were perfect, but you don't have to do the folk jig.

Overall, there is joy in Iraq. So, of course, the dark figure whose influence in that region has brought so much pain had to then release one of his ominous and now ubiquitous audio tapes.

"One might speculate that the insurgents are waiting. And as soon as they get an opportunity, they will launch more attacks," said former Vice President Dick Cheney.

"I hope that's not the case. I certainly hope that the Iraqis can deal with it. At some point they've got to stand on their own, but I would not want to see us waste all of the tremendous sacrifice that's gotten us to this point."

You know what, Sourpuss McMonkeyheart is right. What idiot came up with the idea to pull troops out of Iraqi cities by June 2009?

Oh, right, this idiot: "There are certain benchmarks that will be met, such as troops out of the cities by June of '09," said then-President George W. Bush in December 2008.

Cheney, you're complaining about your own plan? Can you ever lose? It's no wonder you're never wrong.

I think it's become very clear - Dick Cheney is now in full-blown, stage-four Ballsheimer's disease. I believe his nuts may be the size of baby elephants.

In stage five, you should begin to see his testicles from space. But if you take a look on Google Earth, you will see Cheney had them pixilated.

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