The Daily Show: White House M.D.

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Health care is the story on the tip of everyone's tongue these days, and they're not sure if they can afford to get that looked at.

Barack Obama would like to reform health care, but he's up against some obstacles: powerful lobbies against reform, a splintered Democratic party and a country that has no money.

Plus, a Republican machine whose representatives create scary-looking, disingenuous health-care flowcharts that somehow find their way to Fox News, where they're treated as intellectually honest gospel.

The network's Griff Jenkins likened an alleged flowchart of the Democrats' health-care plan to the game Candy Land.

"Let's see if we can get through Candy Land, through the gumdrop mountains to your doctor. Gotta go over here, gotta do this, gotta do that, don't know where I am," Jenkins said. "The Republicans' idea is what if you just started with the doctors and went straight to the consumers? You'd have straightforward health care."

Wow! That's incredibly honest! You could spend months meticulously creating a miniature clipper ship in a glass bottle, or you could do the Republican method and just roll a dildo in glitter. Either way, you've got yourself a conversation piece.

You know what, time out! Everybody clear out and let's just give the ball to LeBron. Let's see what he can do. Yes, LeBron Hussein Obama had to drive the lane, hoping for a miracle finish.

"If somebody told you that there is a plan out there that is guaranteed to double your health-care cost over the next 10 years," Obama began in his speech advocating health-care reform, "that's guaranteed to result in more Americans losing their health care and that is by far the biggest contributor to our federal deficit ..."

Wait! You're blowing it!

"Well, that's the status quo. That's what we have right now," Obama finished.

Oh, I get it. The old switcharoo. Pitch me something terrible, and then let me know that's what I already have.

Hey ladies, how would you like to meet a fella who's 50 pounds overweight and smells like urinal cakes? Well, roll over, you married him.

Now I'm primed for the health-care reform. Hit me with the details of this new plan that's going to save our country and my life.

"If there's a blue pill and a red pill, and the blue pill is half the price of the red pill and works just as well," Obama explained, "if you found out your neighbor got the same car for $6,000 less, you'd want to figure out how to get that deal - and that's what reform is all about."

Enough with the analogies. I don't want to know what my insurance premium is like, I just what to know what my insurance premium is! What's my deductible? Is gonorrhea covered? How are we paying for this?

"The House suggested a surcharge on wealthy Americans ... to me that meets my principle that it's not being shouldered by families who are already having a tough time," Obama said.

Yeah, stick it to the rich! That's what I'm talking about - tax those affluent douchebags.

Hold on, I'm getting a call. Wait, I'm one of those affluent douchebags? It'll be coming from me? But if I'm taxed, won't I lose my incentive to excel?

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