The Daily Show: Heal or No Heal

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Lately, town hall meeting have been the forum where we mere mortals continue to battle furiously over who will pay for our future colonoscopies.

On Aug. 16, President Obama took his show to a first-come, first-serve hoedown in the red-state bastion, McCain-and-Bush-votin' Montana. It's on! Right?

"I'm excited to be back in Montana," said Obama to cheers and applause.

"I'd like to welcome you, on behalf of the Montana Ambassadors, to Montana," said one woman.

Get a room! Oh, I guess you already have one, for the purpose of a town hall meeting.

What is with these people? Did you find the only 2,000 ACLU members in Montana? There's gotta be a Yosemite Sam-looking NRA member out there somewhere.

Ah, here he is:

"My name is Randy Rathie and I'm from Ekalaka, Montana, and I'm a proud NRA member. I believe in our Constitution, it's a very important thing," Rathie said. "I also get my news from the cable networks because I don't like the spin that comes from them other places."

I eat fire-cooked meat because I get freaked out by ovens, and I'm teaching myself to live without sleeping because I don't trust my dreams.

Alright, go get 'em, Yosemite Sam, with your fascist, tyranny, Hitler-care, "tree of liberty must be watered" ... yee-haw! Boom, boom, boom!

"You can't tell us how you're going to pay for [health-care reform] ... only way you're going to get that money is to raise our taxes," Rathie said. "[Montana Sen.] Max Baucus says he doesn't want to put a bill out that will, but that's the only way you can do that."

Well, that was reasonable. No bluster, no threats, no nothing? You, sir, are a disgrace to your old-timey, Dinty Moore-stained mustache.

So our stereotypical Montana night let us down in terms of overblown hysterics, but then Obama headed to Colorado to face a different kind of Republican - the young, free-market idealist.

"I'm a student at the University of Colorado-Boulder," said youthful conservative Zack Lane. "How in the world can a private corporation providing insurance compete with an entity that doesn't have to worry about making a profit, paying local property taxes, and they're not subject to local regulations?"

Yeah, private institutions can never compete with public options, said the guy who goes to publicly funded state college talking to the guy who went to a still-flourishing, not-out-of-business private college.

Obama, why don't you come correct on this Alex P. Keaton?

"This is a legitimate debate to have," Obama said. "All I'm saying, though, is the public option, whether we have it or don't have it, is not the entirety of health-care reform."

Did you hear that, dude, it's ... wait, what did you just say? No public option? We still get to kill old people though, right? Did you just drop public option because of little college McDouche?

Mr. President, I can't tell if you're a Jedi who's 10 steps ahead of everything, or if this whole health care thing is just kicking your ass a little bit. Why can't you guys just stay on message? Remember the Bush team? A little bit of discipline, little bit of repetition, and they sold us on a war nobody wanted and nobody needed.

Those guys could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. The Democrats couldn't sell Eskimos crap they need, like insulation or heating apparatuses.

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