Daily Show: Barrel Fever

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Remember a few weeks ago when former President Clinton flew to North Korea to win the release of two U.S. journalists being held there using only his charm, a case of Hennessy and a promise to honor Kim Jong-Il's no-wedgies clause?

At the time, pundits worried about the message Clinton's actions sent. Would it embolden copycat despots?

More like copycat Democrats.

"John Yettaw had been sentenced to seven years of hard labor in Myanmar after going uninvited to the home of detained democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi," reported Fox News. "His freedom comes after Virginia Senator Jim Webb made a successful plea to Myanmar's ruling military junta to release their American prisoner."

How is it that at home the Democrats can't even control their own caucus, but you get one overseas and suddenly he's Rambo?

Of course, the profile of the Democrat who rescues you is based on the level of oppression of the country that captures you, and the nature of your infraction. For instance, two innocent journalists caught in North Korea and you get the big dog. But a seemingly unstable guy swims to Myanmar because of a dream he had and you get Jim Webb.

If you get caught with a balloon full of mushrooms in Costa Rica, you're probably going to get saved by Jimmy, a page in New York Congressman Jerry Nadler's office.

At home, however, the Democrats don't rescue you from tyranny. They bring it upon you, which leaves the rescuing to the real Americans amongst us.

You probably recall a few weeks ago in New Hampshire there was a town hall meeting with President Obama and one gentleman brought a loaded pistol to the event.

Luckily, the president hightailed it out of there to the balmy climate of Arizona, where in an act of defiance that was apparently in no way influenced by the coverage of the New Hampshire act of defiance, a man brought a loaded assault rifle to Obama's speech in Phoenix.

And as it turns out, this anti-Obama gentleman shouting about socialism with an AR-15 on his back was just one of a dozen or so armed protesters.

When you go to a rally and you see another guy who's also brought an AR-15, is that like when two bus drivers pass each other? Do you give each other a nod and a "what's up"?

Or is it more awkward, like when two girls show up to the prom in the same dress?

Pshaw, now I have to go home and get my AK-47. Yeah, we look like dorks.

But they're just exercising their rights in the context of a presidential forum. That's how it is in this country and that's how it's always been, right?

"At a 2004 Independence Day rally in Charleston, West Virginia, Nicole and Jeffery Rank decided to show President Bush exactly how they felt about his policies when they were told they couldn't wear their homemade anti-Bush T-shirts at the event," reported MSNBC's Mike Barnicle back in 2007. "When they refused to take them off, they were arrested."

Well, to be fair, those shirts were a direct threat ... to President Bush's self esteem. There's no glass thick enough to prevent hurt feelings. And they were loaded, too. With polyester fibers.