The Daily Show: Simple majority

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

For years, the Democrats in our federal government lived in legislative exile - a power diaspora. But all that changed in 2006, when the Democrats regained control of this nation's House of Representatives and its Senate.

And with that control, they still failed to get timelines for Iraq war withdrawals, government-negotiated prescription drug prices, any kind of meaningful environmental legislation - actually, they failed to get anything done.

Basically, the Democrats seem like the people who switch to Geico and lose money.

But it's really only because until recently they didn't have that one thing that would finally allow them to execute their agenda - a Democratic supermajority. Now that Senate Democrats have a supermajority of 60, Republicans will be powerless to stop them, and they'll have the power to steamroll Obama's agenda through.

They will be unstoppable! They'll be like a bear with chainsaws instead of paws.

The creature was finally unleashed as Democrats unveiled their plans for a government-run health care option. Oh, chainsaw-pawed Bear of Reform, have mercy on your opponents' souls.

"The Senate finance committee voted down two amendments proposed by Democrats that included a government-run health care option," reported Lou Dobbs.

What the hell?! I'm sorry, but a bear with chainsaws for paws can't get a bill out of the finance committee?

You have a supermajority, and the latest New York Times poll shows 65 percent of Americans support a public option. Even 70 percent of doctors support it. What Republican counter-argument was so persuasive as to negate those facts?

"If you ask the question, as one poll did, 'Would you support a public option if it would weaken private health care strategies that we've had for decades in this country?' " said Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, "you got less than a majority of doctors supporting it."

OK, fair point. But then again, if you ask the question, "Do you support a public option that skull-crushes kittens," that would also lower support. But that's not what it is!

For God's sake, Democrats, they're countering your arguments with nonsense and crushing you. Listen to their response when asked why, if our health care system is so good, we have the 19th worst preventable-death rate in the world?

"If you take out accidental deaths due to car accidents and you take out gun deaths - because we like our guns in the United States - we actually do better as far as survival rates," said Sen. John Ensign, R-Nevada.

I imagine, also, if you took out Ensign's long-term affair with a staffer from his marriage, that makes him nearly monogamous.

Still not convinced the Democrats couldn't get laid in a house whose sole purpose is to have consequence- and disease-free sex with legislators on finance committees? Well, strap in, kids.

Here's Republican strategist Frank Lutz: "If you call it a public option, the American people are split. If you call it the government option, the public is overwhelmingly against it."

Hmm, so it sounds like if you call it the public option, you'll garner more support than if you try and come up with a different, more convoluted title. And yet, here are some of the ideas Democrats suggested: Public Interest Option. Level Playing Field Public Option. Consumer Choice Health Plan.

I've got an idea. Why don't we call this plan A.I.D.S. - American Insurance Department Solutions? What do ya think? My plan is, let's give everyone in this country A.I.D.S.

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