The Daily Show: The Gay After Tomorrow
Last weekend, I'm lying in my backyard in a hammock next to a ball keg of Schlitz Ice, rocking a Cheetos beard - you know, just a little hint of cheese dust down the happy trail - and flipping through the latest issue of the Pentagon's Joint Force Quarterly magazine. Because it's a Sunday.
I stumble upon this article about gays in the military that says, "There is no scientific evidence to support the claim that unit cohesion will be negatively affected if homosexuals served openly."
Wait, gay people aren't allowed to serve in our military? I remember when our current president was running for office, he was pretty clear about one thing.
"I have stated repeatedly that 'don't ask, don't tell' makes no sense," then-candidate Barack Obama said during a speech in February 2008. "Why would we not want able men and women, who are willing to sacrifice on our behalf, why would we tell them no?"
Why would we tell them no? Maybe because the only thing that scares America more than terrorists is confronting the sexual duality that exists in all of us. Just me? Alright, I was just throwing it out there.
Cut to January, when Obama moves into the White House and Press Secretary Robert Gibbs tackles the issue in one of his very first web chats. He was asked if the new administration is going to get rid of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
"You don't hear a politician give a one-word answer much, but it's yes," said Gibbs on Jan. 14.
Fast-forward to March, and let's check in with Secretary of Defense Robert Gates to see what the status is on the Obama administration revoking "don't ask, don't tell."
"The president and I feel that we've got a lot on our plates right now, and let's push that one down the road a little," Gates said.
Added Obama's national security advisor, Gen. Jim Jones: "We have a lot on our plate right now and it has to be teed up at the right time to do this the right way. ... The president has a lot on his desk."
Of course he's got a lot on his desk! It's filled with all those teed up, pushed plates. Obama needs a Metaphor Czar.
I know that you've got a lot on your desk-plate, Mr. President. But as a thin man who smokes, you may not understand the concept. All that stuff you've been putting on your plate? It's chow time, brother. That's how you get things off of your plate.
Now, I know you're a man of letters and you've probably never been on a cruise, but you should see the amount of crap people can put on very average-sized plates.
After going back four or five times, they might say to themselves, "I feel terrible now." But you know what? You're the one who went on that cruise. You're the one who asked for seconds, thirds, fourths - finish your damn plate.
I've got to tell you, in the cornucopia of sliced meats, shrimp, blocked cheese and Waldorf salad, "don't ask, don't tell" is like a little bit of rice pudding over on the side. You could finish that before you even got back to your table.
Just remember that you're the president of America. If your plate gets too full, you get up and get a bigger plate, mister.
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