The Daily Show: The Joy of Rx

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Four-month-old Alex Lange weighed 17 pounds and fell into the 99th percentile for height and weight for his age. Underwriters for the Rocky Mountain Health Plans denied coverage, saying it's industry standard to deny coverage for those above the 95th percentile, including infants.

He's a baby! What is he supposed to do, work out more? According to reports, he's breastfed, so unless his mom's teats are named Ben and Jerry, what's he supposed to do?!

Fortunately, Rocky Mountain Health wound up reversing their decision, and it's a good thing. We wouldn't want ol' Apple Cheeks Johnson to become the Democrats' Joe the Plumber.

He starts appearing with party leaders, then the media digs in and finds a dark past and criminal record, then Alex the Baby has to try to explain his side of the story on Larry King, but the damage is already done.

The next thing you know, 20 years have passed and he's outside SkyBar yelling, "Don't you know who you're f---ing with? I was Alex the Baby!" But nobody cares, because at this point his body mass index is in the normal range.

But what about the fate of the great health-care reform effort? Last time we checked, Montana Democrat Max Baucus had been working feverishly for months to draft a bill that would garner bipartisan support.

For that goal, he sacrificed the public option, employer mandates and strong penalties for people who fail to buy insurance, and even left 17 million eligible people uninsured. All that was left was to sit back and count the Republican votes.

Here's a general idea of the reaction he got from conservatives: "The bill we have before us is not one I can support," said Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Arizona.

I don't get it - Baucus wussed out on everything.

I chugged the vodka, I kept the olive in my ass for an hour, you shaved off all my body hair. What does it take to become an Alpha Beta?

That's when Olympia Snowe walked in. Her blazer said staunch Republican, but her skirt hinted she might be bipartisan-curious. The fate of our health-care system rested in the briny claws of this senator from Maine.

"When history calls, history calls," Snowe said. "That is what my vote to report this bill out of committee here today represents."

Yes, with Snowe's help, they got the bill out of committee so it can move on to the Senate floor to be merged with a different Senate bill painstakingly reconciled with the House bill, and debated for perhaps months longer.

Judging from the response from Democrats, it's like if Joan of Arc and Rosa Parks had a baby, and then that baby won the Super Bowl. Olympia Snowe is our greatest American hero! Without the courage of Snowe, this would have never gotten out of committee.

Wait, what's that? They passed the health-care bill 14 to nine? So her vote made it 14 to 9 instead of 13 to 10? They didn't even need her vote?

Well, it's a good thing they gutted the whole damn bill.

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