The Daily Show: Winners & Losers

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Folks, there was a big election last Tuesday. It was a big night for the winners, and an opportunity for the defeated to do a little something I like to call "polish that turd."

Let's see how Democratic New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine handles defeat to Republican challenger Chris Christie. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine, polish that turd!

"Corzine was down by 15 points, essentially, in the middle of the summer and came within an eyelash of winning that all back," Kaine said.

Interesting. He lost, but by all rights he should have been crushed.

How close does losing by an eyelash put you? Do you get to live in the Governor's Mansion's backyard? Do you get to be governor of Delaware?

By the way, he lost by four percent - those are some thick friggin' eyelashes.

Creigh Deeds in Virginia, you lost to Bob McDonnell by 20 points. There's no way that turd is getting polished.

"Five years ago, the notion that the Republicans would win a race in Virginia was hardly news," Kaine said. "So when he became our nominee this year, everyone viewed him as the underdog."

Slow down, Kaine! You're going to get Turd-Polishers Elbow.

That brings us to New York's 23rd Congressional District, where the election between conservative Doug Hoffman and Democrat Bill Owens has come to national prominence as a dividing line between Liberty City, USA and ... Leningrad.

"Here in New York, conservatives are preparing to take back the Republican Party," reported Fox News' Sean Hannity. "Doug Hoffman is riding a wave of support all the way to Washington, D.C."

Well, it turns out the poor fella couldn't surf. A lot of people chipped in to make this turd; I think it's going to need scaffolding and day laborers to polish.

"The reality is, now we have a chance to get the seat back in about a year, which we likely will," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.

Yeah! If you had won, you'd have to spend the next year and a half worried about keeping the seat. Who's the Jedi Master now?

Maybe it was a moral victory. Even though Hoffman lost, he was able to get the conservative message out. What was that message again?

"We're not going to put up with wasteful spending ... we've got to watch taxes and government regulations and regulations that take away our rights and our liberties," Hoffman said. "The way it should be is the government works for us, not the other way around."

That wasn't so much a speech as what you'd get if you forced Hoffman to chug a bottle of cough syrup, spun him around three times and asked him to recite what he remembered from Glenn Beck's show last night.

So the winners of the elections were winners, and the losers of the elections were also winners. Turns out the only loser of the night was the only person not actually running.

"I think what this night does is it completely explodes the mythology of the meaning of the '08 election," said Fox News correspondent Charles Krauthammer.

Damn, the only chance for Obama to retain the presidency would be to take a page from the Palin playbook. Resign, write a book and see if he can get his head together and start working for change through the only effective avenues - Facebook and Twitter accounts.

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