The Daily Show: Terror 2.0

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Once again, the industrious souls of elf-Qaeda were trying to spread some Christmas fear throughout the land. But this terror didn't come from their workshop at the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

"The bomb was built and the plot organized by al Qaeda leaders in the country of Yemen," reported ABC News.

Yes! We got ourselves a new front in the war on terror. It's a fresh wave of airborne jihadism. So what did the al Qaeda masterminds of Terror 2.0 cook up?

"Federal investigators say the man accused of the attempted bombing, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, hid a powerful explosive powder in specially made underwear," reported NBC News.

So even if the bomb works, there's going to be 72 very disappointed virgins.

Whenever there's an incident like this, the question is always, "Could we have seen it coming?" But in this case - a Nigerian guy from Yemen with doomsday underpants? That seems to come out of nowhere. Right?

"As early as August 2009, the C.I.A. was picking up information on a person of interest dubbed 'the Nigerian,' " reported CBS News.

The suspect was already on a terror watch list after his father, a Nigerian banker, told the U.S. that he was worried his son was becoming radicalized.

You know, I too have a tendency to ignore messages from Nigerian bankers who wish to help me. But when they show up in person, and aren't asking for a money order but instead turning in their own son, maybe that conversation doesn't get filed under spam.

But wait, there's more.

"He paid cash for his ticket, it was a one-way ticket," reported CNN.

"He paid nearly $3,000 for his ticket and checked no bags," reported CBS News.

What?! It's December and he's going from Nigeria to Amsterdam to Detroit without a coat? With a one-way ticket? Oh, did you think he was going to Detroit to start a better life? Did you think he was going there because he heard there are lots of jobs?

You know what, intelligence community? I know you guys are busy - those 300 million Americans can't wiretap themselves.

But remember Richard Reid, the shoe bomber? He paid in cash, flew one-way, had no luggage, left from a European capital and tried to blow up a plane with PETN explosives hidden in his shoes eight years ago.

So now, the Lex Luthor-like geniuses of al Qaeda have decided to have a guy pay cash, fly one-way with no luggage from a European capital with PETN explosives hidden under his nutsack. In eight years, all they did was move the explosives up whatever the inseam measurement is, changing nothing else about the modus operandi.

I realize security will never be 100 percent, and we don't expect you to catch everything, but we do expect you to catch the exact same thing. It was the Nigerian with no luggage on the watch list with a taint full of gunpowder. That's not even Clue, it's Clue Jr. It's Blues Clues!

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